Thursday, September 25, 2008


So, the planning for our 20th high school reunion has begun. In this process, I have been contacted and re-linked to people I haven't seen in at least 15years. And with these connections have brought back many the insecurity. I know how can something so mundane and so distant do this? I have been asking myself this for a few weeks now. Why is something and someones so removed from me ,as I am , be having such a big influence in my now? How did all those icky feelings of never being good enough, never being pretty enough, never being small enough, never quit fitting in come back so very fast? I have worked so very hard in my now to find perspective on all those years of school and evidentally I have made very little progress at all! I still wonder why I wasn't good enough or why I just couldn't have fit in better. Why was I always the "ugly" girl? Why was I always made fun of? Looking back I didn't really look much different from those that were "popular"... And you know, I like me a whole lot more as I am now. I think I am a much better person to know and wouldn't ever want to go back and do it all over. What I would do over is how I feel. I would replace all those feelings of being inadequate (in one area or another) with a view of how good life will be and how much I will grow and change and be better for it all. A little Richard Bach letter to myself that it will be worth it and help me realize what matters later in the world. And even with this knowledge, I sit here still comparing, still wanting to impress, still worried about not being enough...and yet I do know that I am....enough... And I know I am not the only one going through feeling like this...even the lovely Kelly Rae ( has been posting similar feelings. So it must just be a woman how do we grow up and leave it all behind? Even though our logical minds say it doesn't matter sometimes the heart doesn't get the message!!

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