Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Word of 2014 and reflection...

I am dusting off the blog today this last day of 2014.  I crave words and have so much to say, so much to share, but I push it aside and trudge through this thing called life while it pools inside my head and heart.  So today in all it's imperfections I come to share those words.

My word for 2014 was Devote.  I am arriving at the end of this year feeling like I have failed every part of the goal of that word and it's deepest intention for me.  I had set out with plans of devoting time to myself, my home, my financial health.  But the year had other plans for me and I was soon derailed and the focus on anything more than putting one foot in front of the other was too much to ask. 

I was actually writing about this in my real pen and paper journal the other day and found myself awash in tears.  It came to me that in every facet of my being 2014 was truly about the word DEVOTE.  Was it as I had idealistically planned with my New Year hopes and goals? Not in any way shape or form.  But It was a year of complete devotion to someone who was so hugely important to me, my Aunt Ollie. 

In the Spring last year we found out she in fact had cancer and that time was ticking.  I had such hopes so many conflicting emotions of what this meant and how to proceed and what to pray and wish for.  I was selfish, I wanted her and I wanted more.  I was angry. I was hopeless.  I felt helpless.  I was given huge gifts that many can only hope for in this lifetime.  And through this muck of emotions and fears and numbness there was devotion in it's purest of forms.  So hidden from me that I didn't even know it was really there.  That until I started peeling away all the layers of this year and the overall grief that is still very much there, that I could even see it. 

I was devoted in my every action and part of my being to being there for my family.  My mother, my Aunt Lorene (Aunt Ollie's other primary caregiver) and for my Aunt Ollie.  I did whatever no matter how very small it felt or seemed to give myself to them all.  For really that is all you have sometimes.  Money can't fix it.  Things are just that things.  But your very being is all you have to offer.  Your existence and the show of that existence is sometimes all that is required.  Not sure I got that myself till this year.  That we spend so much time saying well I can't afford to give anything never stopping to see that yes in fact you can, you have time, you have words, you have an existence that is enough.  That your devotion to whatever strikes you to your very soul is enough.  Showing someone that they are loved in there entirety.  Showing those that work so hard when you can't that they matter is enough!!  Because having been there this year, I can say that at the end of your days that is what truly matters.  That you mattered enough that someone wants to give their time and hold onto you for whatever comes next.  That someone wants to DEVOTE their time to you is the ultimate gift and one I hope I am worthy of when my days countdown in this life. 

So sometimes life leads you to lessons you hoped truly to never have.  That in my small focus of my me-ness I would never possibly have learned.  When you put out there an intent you do not always get that the way you think but be careful the universe hears and gives you what you need.  I doesn't always come in a pretty package though. 

So with that being said next years word is HEAL.  Walking through the last few hours of 2014 with hope of a better 2015.  Less loss, less pain, less worry.  Happy New Year to all!! 

Monday, June 23, 2014


I know "stuff" does not make a person.  I realize that what you own or have owned is not what inherently makes you YOU.   But as a "stuff" person I know how I treasure my things.  How I surround myself with things I like to look at, with things that have meaning to me in a personal way.  I know not everyone shares that love.  The "simplify" trend across blog land and the Internet has been huge.  But my "stuff" brings me joy and peace so I do not intend to simplify that out of my world.

Today, I was having lunch with the Irishman on the front porch and was audience to a house across the street being prepped to sell.  When we moved to our home all those years ago we knew the lady who lived there.  Her name was Betty and she was saucy and always on the go.  Many years ago she moved to Florida with her son and we sadly had no further contact with her.  Her house has stayed unoccupied all those years.  Well sadly we have heard neighborhood word that she has passed on.  And now there is an ongoing buzz across the road of cleaning out her "stuff".  Today, this made me so very sad.  So sad to think that she has been reduced to her memories and the things she held onto and surrounded herself with.  That mean nothing to those doing the "cleaning".  It has been dumpstered and now sits on the curb in boxes and piles.  During our lunch many cars stopped by picking through her memories and carting them off.  Which I guess is good that they go on with other people but just really made my heart hurt to watch them dig through all her things without ever knowing who she was and what they meant to her.  And seeing them dig through to cart them off for profit not joy and love.  The Irishman called them vultures which I think is apt. 

So I came inside to my couch and my thoughts and my words.  Trying to feel better about it.  Trying to remind myself it is in fact only  stuff.  But it was HER stuff.(This is also why Estate sales are hard for me)  There was a person attached to it all who is no longer.  And for that I am sad.  So I send out a little peace into the world to all the Bettys who brought me smiles and have moved on.  Take time to touch base with your own Bettys!

Sunday, May 18, 2014


A long while ago, my naturopath said I needed to do things that bring me joy.  This weekend was full of just those things.

I took an asparagus class. 
I found a local restaurant doing food with passion and honoring food.
I went to the Farmer's Market and got fresh roasted coffee, bacon and brats, asparagus, radishes and lettuce.
I bought plants.
I slept.
I was gifted wonderful handmade things by these awesome people I live with.
I got to ride my bike.
I planted things.
I baked and cooked.
I got to jump rope.
I got to sit on my front porch. 
I got to be in my space.

When I was riding my bike I felt like all I could do was smile like a big goof.  It felt sooooo very good!  It has been a while since my body has been able to cope with all this activity and I am grateful for today.  Refreshing my mind, body, and spirit! 

Hoping you all did things that brought you joy this weekend if not please make time to do so this week!  You are important too!

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Not Ready

I have been intending to be in this space for so very long.  I need words.  I thrive when there is time for words.  But life has kept me just hanging on doing one day at a time.  Just getting through trying to be the best Mama, wife, friend, co-worker and person I can be.  Sometimes I fail miserably at all the above.  Sometimes like anyone else I have moments in which I feel I shine. 

However what gets me in this space is a need for release of all that is in my head and heart.  Do you ever have something you know is coming and is inevitable but you just are in no way ready nor will you ever be?  But that thing will come.  It will happen no matter how hard you pray, no matter how hard you try to laugh and smile, how hard you try to focus on something other.  It is there.  It is with you for the ride. 

Growing up and getting older is hard.  Not for what you might assume, appearances, wrinkles, aches and pains.  But this being a big girl thing is hard in that those who have been so important to you through all those growing pains start to come to the end of their journeys.  Their time is ending and you (hopefully) will continue on (or try to). 

That is happening for me right now.  I try not to think or feel because there are a wall of tears just waiting there.  And I fear once they start they may never end.  But my life goes on around me and I try to be ok.  I try for my kids, my husband, my friends, my co-workers to keep moving forward with a decent (no way is it going to be good right now) attitude.  But behind it all is the stark, painful fact that someone who is such a part of me is dying.  She is checking off her list and getting ready and while I do not wish her pain and suffering I will never ever be ready for her to go. 

I was gifted with a weekend with her last week.  In which I got to tell her all the things I wanted her to know.  I got to thank her and tell her how very important she has been in making me who I am today.  I got to hold her, and take care of her, and laugh with her, and listen to her as she got things off her chest and cried. 

I love this woman.  I will always love this woman.  I am now afraid for my phone to ring.  I am now afraid for the next step.  This isn't my journey but hers.  I want her to have peace and light in her passing.  I want her to breathe and be pain free.  But oh how very much I wish for more time. 

So please make the time.  Find time to be with those that are important to you.  Life is always busy, always full but don't regret that you didn't make it happen.  Bridge gaps of distance and time and say the words and make sure those you love know you love them now not when it is too late!!!