Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Word of 2014 and reflection...

I am dusting off the blog today this last day of 2014.  I crave words and have so much to say, so much to share, but I push it aside and trudge through this thing called life while it pools inside my head and heart.  So today in all it's imperfections I come to share those words.

My word for 2014 was Devote.  I am arriving at the end of this year feeling like I have failed every part of the goal of that word and it's deepest intention for me.  I had set out with plans of devoting time to myself, my home, my financial health.  But the year had other plans for me and I was soon derailed and the focus on anything more than putting one foot in front of the other was too much to ask. 

I was actually writing about this in my real pen and paper journal the other day and found myself awash in tears.  It came to me that in every facet of my being 2014 was truly about the word DEVOTE.  Was it as I had idealistically planned with my New Year hopes and goals? Not in any way shape or form.  But It was a year of complete devotion to someone who was so hugely important to me, my Aunt Ollie. 

In the Spring last year we found out she in fact had cancer and that time was ticking.  I had such hopes so many conflicting emotions of what this meant and how to proceed and what to pray and wish for.  I was selfish, I wanted her and I wanted more.  I was angry. I was hopeless.  I felt helpless.  I was given huge gifts that many can only hope for in this lifetime.  And through this muck of emotions and fears and numbness there was devotion in it's purest of forms.  So hidden from me that I didn't even know it was really there.  That until I started peeling away all the layers of this year and the overall grief that is still very much there, that I could even see it. 

I was devoted in my every action and part of my being to being there for my family.  My mother, my Aunt Lorene (Aunt Ollie's other primary caregiver) and for my Aunt Ollie.  I did whatever no matter how very small it felt or seemed to give myself to them all.  For really that is all you have sometimes.  Money can't fix it.  Things are just that things.  But your very being is all you have to offer.  Your existence and the show of that existence is sometimes all that is required.  Not sure I got that myself till this year.  That we spend so much time saying well I can't afford to give anything never stopping to see that yes in fact you can, you have time, you have words, you have an existence that is enough.  That your devotion to whatever strikes you to your very soul is enough.  Showing someone that they are loved in there entirety.  Showing those that work so hard when you can't that they matter is enough!!  Because having been there this year, I can say that at the end of your days that is what truly matters.  That you mattered enough that someone wants to give their time and hold onto you for whatever comes next.  That someone wants to DEVOTE their time to you is the ultimate gift and one I hope I am worthy of when my days countdown in this life. 

So sometimes life leads you to lessons you hoped truly to never have.  That in my small focus of my me-ness I would never possibly have learned.  When you put out there an intent you do not always get that the way you think but be careful the universe hears and gives you what you need.  I doesn't always come in a pretty package though. 

So with that being said next years word is HEAL.  Walking through the last few hours of 2014 with hope of a better 2015.  Less loss, less pain, less worry.  Happy New Year to all!!