Swimming

I am treading water. I am trying hard to swim. To stay afloat, amidst the negativity and ire that surrounds me. I am trying not to be sucked in but again and again I get tugged by a current that threatens to pull me under. A current that draws me into the swirling eddies and attempts to pull me under too. I do not have quiet or peace or calm that I seek in my day to day life. But at the moment I am surrounded by so many people with unrest in their worlds. They rage and they attack never looking outside themselves to realize all they damage in their storms. So there are a few of us that are being hauled in and beaten about because of their irritation with their world. And I am waiting to see if I am to be thrown against the rocks or if I will pass into the eye of the storm left to try to heal and band aid up my wounds. I also am left to wonder how to prevent myself from being sucked into their wake in the future. You see I have this very stubborn opinionated way about me that makes me completely unable to hold my tongue for too long. I eventually spew and give everyone my thoughts after nearly biting a hole in my tongue!!! So how to not be me? Or is that even the problem?? Sigh...more swimming yet to do!

Letting go...

Do you ever have trouble letting go of something not good for you? Something that weighs on your spirit and makes you feel heavy? Something that is beyond your control and your logical brain knows is not your fault and tells you you do not need this...but for some reason your heart clings to the pain and slights and the upsets of all the old situations... A name, a face, a glance, a memory...all showing you that you were not enough...you for some reason did not fit... Logic says that that is a good thing for you. That fate saved you from being somewhere that was really bad for you...but that darn heart is still pretty bruised up and hurt and aching... and the fixer that you have always been just wants it all wrapped up in a pretty bow and made a.ok. Logic needs to win here...nothing healthy and uplifting and supportive can come from this. Hopefully logic finds a special super power, a kryptonite for the heart because the heart is leading the pack...

La Serenata

What I wouldn't give to be ducking into La Serenata right now. With the promise of an awesome coffee and gorgeous Italian food. I dream about their lasagna! The building makes me happy with it's ancient stonework and nooks and crannies. It also has these fantastic stained glass windows. It was one of the first places I went to in Roscrea (Tipperary, Ireland). I had gone to visit John's family for the first time and he took me there for tea...at the time it wasn't Italian but still lovely and yummy...we called it the Restaurant of the Shaking Table because John in his nervousness of seeing me again after a couple of years apart bounced his leg the whole time causing the table to vibrate and the milk to slosh and the tea to tremble...and before we went over this year someone had told us it had closed down. I was saddened...so many memories so much foodie love...but thankfully they were mistaken and we got to sneak in and have a few meals and coffees. Bronwyn the pasta girl loved it. Ella like wandering around pretending she was in a castle. And John and I just soaked in all the memories and pretended we were young again and there weren't two cute little girls calling us Mom and Dad.

NINE!!!!!!!!!!!

This curly haired little pixie of a child is nine today....nine years ago, I was feeling a little icky and went to bed early...only be woken hours later by a gush and the beginning of my little lady to make her way to us. She was two weeks early, and we had no idea if she was a she...but there she was tiny in her 6 lb self and gorgeous, my most vivid memory in the haze of those first few days was how gorgeous her little lips were. The color looked like she had come to us with lipstick on. Everyday this lady shows us how to be grateful and kind and all around better people and we are ever so lucky that she came to us and that we can call her our daughter. She has grand ideas about her place in the world and she seems to be trying on new styles and personalities right now trying to find her fit...so today we let her try on another dimension and have a few blue streaks in her hair at her big salon day with friends. Where this bright, caring , concientious little lady will go is anyone's guess but one thing I am sure of she will go there with grace and gratitude. We love you Bronwyn wishing you many more days of creativity and blossoming!!

Where did December go???

Where did December go??? Why oh why did my Christmas Spirit fail me so?? I wasn't a Scrooge but Bah Humbug fit me much more better than Ho Ho Ho. I did gift, I did make some things, I did decorate, I socialized, I santa'd, I caroled, I tried so very hard to breathe...but this year it just didn't come. I felt like I was moving through December in some kind of bubble...I could see it all I could appreciate it all I just couldn't feel it all...

I don't quite know what happened. I do know that those two by the igloo and me and that Irishman in the bottom photo are getting on a plane on Friday and winging our way to Ireland. Once again I should be excited and looking forward to a trip many people only dream about, but I am tired so very, very tired. I am simply numb. I am hoping when all the pressure of the holiday and getting everyone ready for the trip is over that I will relax and have a truly wonderful trip...it is Ireland and they are Irish people so all the potential for laughing and letting go and moving on are really there. Just will I be??

And not helping any of this emotional stuff is my back. I am not even comfortably couched. I have meds that work but cannot work with the meds...so am hoping I can get myself back onto an even footing that the pain can be managed so as not to eclipse so much good. But tonight it is a gianormous eclipse over the good...I really just want to cry...and now the Irishman has the weather on and it looks like weather might mess up our trip just a bit more...I am not sure my normally strong self has much coping left...think I could come up with a big ole two year old sized temper tantrum but not much resignation and peace with any impending situations...sigh...I will keep shovelling!!

Hope you all are having a truly restful and very happy holiday season! Hope to give a bit of an update once we get across the pond...

Feed me...

There are people in the world that feed you...both literally and figuratively. They make you reach higher, they fill you with light, they heal you, they just love you in your entirety whatever that might be. Well I am fortunate that two of those people in my life came to my house today to share our Christmas. We had waffles with fried apples and roasted walnuts and almonds, tea and coffee and curled up on the couch and opened pressies and listened to lovely music as the incense filled the air with the scent of peace. I find these two always feed my spirit. They pick gifts that remind me through the year what I want in my world. The feeling of peace and contentment I so crave. And they gift to grow that feeling...it feels like Christmas/the Holidays to me once we have had our tea date. My home begs to be decorated for Christmas and it never feels like it has been honored until company comes in for a cup of tea and a goodie or two... I am so grateful that these ladies are in my life and thankful I am able to call them friends.

Happy Holidays to all may you have a friend you can call on for tea and snuggly times.

The Quiet...

The quiet that happens this time of year, you know the one, when the decorations are up...the lights and candles lit...that time when you can put on the Holiday music and curl up on your favorite chair with a snuggly blankie and a cup of tea and just breathe it all in...and take a break from the swirl of Holiday events and activities and just soak in the quiet...the peace...the beginning of Winter. The time for rest and reflections on where you have come from and where you are going to. A time to think on all those we love, have loved, and a time of gratitude for all the blessings we truly find ourselves with. I know I get consumed with all the external events, people, places, and feelings, so I truly need a seasonal kick in the pants to look around and see how really, really, good my life is!! May you all find a moment out of the craziness to soak in some quiet and enjoy all your hard work you have done all year. Holiday wishes for blessings and peace.