Sunday, April 29, 2012


I am guessing and hoping, that most of you have very little pain in your lives.  That you do not know the feeling of chronic aching.  I unfortunately do.
I am not a complainer.  I feel like admitting to my pain is admitting to defeat.  I feel like it is an excuse.  And I do NOT tolerate whining and excuses as a person and even in my work.  But I feel like there needs to be words.  Something to shed a little light on what my world is like daily. 

The past week has been one of the bad ones.  I feel like there are not words enough to explain it all.  But imagine every joint on your body, and it aches soooo completely that it feels like the pain will bust through the skin and your joint will explode.  It hurts allover in such a way, you cannot settle, there is no position, not one thing you can do in a day that gives relief which leaves you feeling antsy and edgy.  I have days where I would like to just pace but I can't do that without drawing attention to my discomfort.  My work requires a lot of sitting still.  My body hurts into the bones.  It is distracting at best.  I feel like bawling most days, but I do not.  I take ibuprofen like M&M's because despite it's minimal effect is the only thing I can take and work. 

I have no diagnosis.  In fact most people treat you like an attention seeker if you mention being in pain.  They brush you aside and say things like "keep going it will get better".  When in fact that is completely not true.  I say this not as a pessimist but as a realist who is living in this body.  You also get the look from people if you mention hurting that suggests you should "put your big girl panties on and deal with it".  As much as I wouldn't wish this on any person ever, I frequently wish everyone I know could feel for even five minutes what this feels like.  How hard it is to keep going and not give in.  How when I make it to the gym I feel like a superhero.  How when I keep going after a day of sitting at work and do things with kids and make dinner I feel like I have kicked some butt. 

I have tried allergy diets IE gluten free and vegan diets with no sugar, I have had physical therapy for various portions of my aching person, I have essential oiled my person, I go for regular massages, I exercise including yoga 5 days a week (despite some added pain I wouldn't be able to move without it), I have had acupuncture, I have saunaed...and there is very little on that list that has made a dent in my outcome. 

I am scared.  I am 41 years old.  My body feels like it hates me.  I get through my days by what feels like sheer miracles.  What happens as I age?  This has been my youth now what happens?  I hide it well.  I keep going and keep doing but I find it is getting harder to patch it all over and function. 

So if you see someone, and you think "wow they are grouchy" or "what is wrong with them" or "wow they are lazy" take a second and just allow for a moment that maybe they aren't all those things. That maybe they are doing their absolute best to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to hold it all together.  And maybe we should lift them up instead of add to their issues.  And to those of you with chronic pain I send you my hugs and cheers!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012


I made my journey north today...
I love it up there.  As soon as I get off the main highway and start towards my destination, I begin to breathe.  My shoulders actually come down out of my ears and I feel a grin begin on my face.  I love that drive. The twists, the turns, the trees, the water, all bringing me closer to the beach.

I had a list of nearly 8 houses to see, however many were already taken, so I got to see 3.  One was beyond bad so made it's way right off the list.  The other two gave me a problem, the one that I can afford, that would work, was not the one that made my heart sing (isn't that always the way).  The one that did was old, quirky, and had all the hopes I have for my runaway place (well aside from the outside that needs paint or siding).  But it is out of my reach by a bit.

After, I went to Crystal Beach to find it under repairs as they prepare for the season, so I meandered my way over to Frankfort and found some solace in a latte and croissant and a walk on the beach.  But looking at the water, and hearing the waves made my heartache.  It hurts me so very deeply to have to leave the beach and the water.  An ache like none I have ever known.  I feel almost breathless and unable to breathe when I have to think about leaving and driving away.  Today there were tears.  I am ever grateful I live somewhere where I can access such beauty easily.  But I ache for more.  I want this to be part of my world.  I have to believe that it will be.  That I will have a spot to runaway to and breathe and refill.  Where my big day will include walking along the water and feeling like a lottery winner when I find a piece of beach glass AND a heart-shaped rock.  These are the simple things that I soooooo want in this world. 

I wish my Irishman understod this more.  That he could feel even for a few minutes how my heart feels when I stand there and breathe it all in and more importantly how it feels when I have to leave.  This want to be up North is more than just a whim.  It is something I feel to my core.  The water calls me.  And now I have to start listening for possible answers...

Monday, April 23, 2012

I am daydreaming...

I really, really, really want what I call a runaway place. 
I want to have a place where I can be and destress.
I can be at a beach in 10 minutes.
I can wander little shops.
I can hike some trails.
I can have my coffee by some water.
I can have girlfriends come and just be and relax and giggle.
I can have an outdoor bathtub.
I can paint and hunt for furniture.
I can plant more.
I can unplug and breathe.
I can visit farms and farmers.
I can sit and just watch the world go by.

So tomorrow I am taking another leap of faith, I think this is how all my life has been lived, which means I will never ever die rich but I will have really have had a life worth living.  And I am going up to Beulah (one of my favorite little places on the planet) and meeting a realtor to see if maybe this can be more than a daydream. 

I have had a board on Pinterest for a while willing it all to be so...

Which of course my runaway place will not look like for quite some time because there is a reality to it that my place will be cheap and in need of love...but it will be my retreat!!  Healing, sand, water, breathing, soul space!! 

Sunday, April 22, 2012

See that guy??? 

He did the unthinkable!!!  He got me a nap today!  He made me a toasted sandwich, some coffee, tucked me in under the best blankies ever on the couch and took our lovelies to the park for a while!!  And I am pretty sure I snored!  Sleep is the one thing I do not get enough of ever, ever, ever and any extra bits of it I can find are like the ultimate gift!  I think mommies in general are forever behind in the sleep department.  So I had my decadent little nap and am hoping to not snore through yoga now!  Thanks Irishman!

Thursday, April 19, 2012


I have been missing for a bit.  Life just felt busy.  Too busy to focus on me and words and thoughts.  But now it is Spring and I am making changes.  I got a new haircut and with that I am deciding that is going to mark my shift to focus a little more on being healthy.  Healthy and strong not just numbers and sizes.  I am going to embrace the small steps even if it means I carve out 20 minutes of exercise in a day that looks like there will be none.  Even if it means I add more water to my day.  Even it means I take time to journal or meditate or pause... 

Life is busy.  A good busy.  Life is a beautiful adventure.  During this adventure, you just have to pause to take care of yourself, which I have always been bad at.  I am going to grow up to be strong!!!