Sunday, December 18, 2011

Tis the Season...

Tis the Season...
As you wander through our home, there are projects in every nook and cranny.  All in various stages of completion.  Will they be finished?  Will we make it in time?  Should we all worry that our cards are laying in a pile unposted?  That the Christmas Cake is still a recipe on the computer?  That the family pictures have yet to arrive?  That two gifts haven't arrived in the mail yet?  That the Commander in Chief of the Elves is sick and dizzy? 

Even with the delays...I am proud of my elves...and despite the messes in every room and my company coming by on Tuesday...I am ever proud that my Elves choose to make gifts and make some more.  That they think to give and give from their hands and hearts.  I love seeing the stray crayons and markers, the letters begun on the old typewriter, the holiday books open and being read, the glitter glue in use and projects drying everywhere.  I am grateful that my eldest little elf has embraced wrapping and is taking care of me this year.  I am grateful that my smallish elf has been singing to me and often. 

Wishing you and yours a season of handmade gifts and tasty goodies made from the heart!!  Happy Holidays all!!

Thursday, November 24, 2011


I am ever thankful on this day for...
-My body which is healthy and strong and allows me to enjoy this beautiful life.
-My two ladies who bring me smiles and inspire me with their words and creativity.
-Food!  Having enough, being able to spend time feeding those I love, and knowing where it came from.
-Music.  It inspires, it comforts, it is a gift...thanks to all who share their talents.
-Farmers who provide healthy, responsibly farmed foods for my family to flourish and enjoy.
-My home that I am ever thankful to have.  The security and warmth it provides us all.  Sanctuary.
-Water, being able to share the love of it with those I love, being fortunate enough to be on it in some way.
-My Irishman. He nourishes me and lifts me up.  His talent and artistry astound me and how he captures
  our little place in this world and this life we are making.
-Books.  Sharing this love with my family is a gift.
-Kindness of strangers.  Every now and then people show you that there is good in the world still.  This
  year that came in the form of apples.
-Laughter and giggles.  Silliness and the lightness that brings is the ultimate blessing.  There is nothing
  more beautiful than the sound of a fit of giggles!!!! 

May you all have a day full of those things that make you grateful and never forget how amazing life really is!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


My heart aches.  Please don't ask why.  I still haven't sorted it all out to know why and how.  Given the big life stories being lived and survived around me, I have no room for the blues.  Yet here they still are.  And my heart feels like it is cracking.  Who am I kidding breaking completely in two...  My hand still cramps from the journalling, my phone is filling with sad songs (making me seem like a mooning teenager not a grown woman), my want to walk far and fast is back (weather not cooperating with me on this one), candles have been lit and relit, prayers have been said, meditation has been avoided, junk food has been consumed, alcohol has been purchased for drowning if need be...just truly unsure how to let it go when I am not sure why it is there.  What do I need to learn???  What do I need to see?  Why am I here?  I am out of wit.  I am out of sarcastic asides. I am quite a bit lost.  

Monday, November 21, 2011

Shadows around our home

                                 I am in love with the way light plays and shadows dance in our home. 

Monday, November 7, 2011

Calm before the storm...

Had a really relaxed lovely day today.  Taking advantage of the gorgeous weather to try and capture some of what is left of fall, I at least got to crunch in some leaves.  Went with a cute Irish boy to lunch that included dessert.  Pottered around my house trying to reclaim it, this is a verrrrrryyyyy sloooooowwww process and may never be completed while I in fact live here.  I will be heading off for a concert this evening.

Yet I feel like I am holding my there is something bad coming and I have to keep walking toward it to in fact get past it.  I do not want to.  I want to dig in my heels and say "I don't wanna"  "You can't make me"  but fact is that isn't going to work.  It is just going to keep lurking around teasing me and hitting me at odd moments in small ways until I look it in the eyes and say go for it...hit me!  When it does it will hurt.  I am sure I will in fact cry.  My heart will crack a bit...but then there will be breathing and band aids and light.  And after I stagger for a small bit, I will keep walking hopefully wiser and better but till then I am bracing...waiting for it...  Calm before the storm...then calm again I hope...

Monday, October 24, 2011

Giddy again...

Sometimes in life we find ourselves seeing things and people anew.  We get lucky and open our eyes and realize we want to giggle.  And that giggle, if we are very, very lucky, is caused by the first person that made us giddy in this world.  The person who instigated, letter writing, daydreaming, poetry binges, tea for two, lightheadedness, silliness, goofiness, and a longing that defined who we became.  A person who has been there to hold our hand and cheer us on in all those lifetime events that could conceivably drag us under.  A person who saw something we might never have glimpsed in our self. 
And bam...twice in one lifetime...giddiness...thank you my Irishman...

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Food...Blog Action Day

This year's Blog Action Day topic really hits home hard for me on sooooo many levels!  I feel like I truly spend most of my breathing hours tracking down, healthy, organic, identifiable ingredient made, foods for my family.  In our little part of the universe, there isn't a Whole Foods or a Trader Joe's to pop into.  The local supermarkets carry tiny bits of organic and non-scary foods, but if I want variety or produce that doesn't look like all it's nutritional value has already passed away 2 weeks ago, I have to hunt.  If I want convenience foods that aren't going to kill us all and the environment by their mere existence, I must read, contemplate, search, seek...and what I find in one market one week doesn't mean it will be restocked or they will continue to carry it in future weeks so it never ever ends.

I have joined buying clubs, CSA's, I visit my farmers markets...but I work at it.  I read.  I call.  I plot.  I ask friends with extras.  I am EXHAUSTED!!

And what I think mostly is that I have the time to do this.  I have the resources (mostly) to make some of this happen.  But why should I be in an elite group when it comes to food?   Why should my financial comfort be the only reason I can provide these things for my family? 

I am upset (this is the most understated thing I have probably ever said) that my government, when they choose to "help" folks who need a boost with food give them preservatives and sugar and chemicals and say here families have a big ole helping of obesity to go with your life woes.  Here are some funds but you can only spend it on scary foods of unidentifiable origins and don't get sick from a lifetime of ingesting it because then you must know you are sooooo on your own.  My lovely government also sets the standards that the school my children attend must follow for what is an acceptable meal to serve these growing minds and bodies.  Our future is handed chicken nuggets, pizza, and something that is unrecognizable as past vegetation, and said do well.  Show us great test scores on our mandated testing or you won't get your funding...but here have this...and don't be sluggish or ill...just perform...  Lunch wasn't enough in our school they now give free "breakfast" to all the students (this should tell you about our economic situation that our whole school gets it!).  This breakfast is poptarts, prepackaged muffins, goldfish crackers, and a string cheese stick with a side of strawberry, chocolate, or the least popular white milk.  My concern here is for a good lot of these kids these school meals are in fact their "healthiest" meal of the day.  This may very well be their one and only meal for a day.  And this is what they get.  Yet government officials on high seem completely confounded that Diabetes and obesity are plaguing our children.  They set the standard!!  They say this is all ok because it checks off boxes in their corrupt you scratch my back I will scratch yours with big business and big farming... 

Food is a hot topic for me.  I love food.  My best memories usually are of a meal shared or food tasted and filed away and remembered.  My favorite time is time in the kitchen to potter and create.  I melt to hear my kids and husband say "We want to stay home and eat.  Your food is better."  My family chooses my kitchen over ANY restaurant!!  What does that say about the world and it's possibilities?  If we put efforts into our food, our love, our time, our thoughts, it pays HUGE dividends in our families well being, health, and our communication as a unit is strengthened all by a simple meal of good foods shared at our little table!  So I encourage any who are tired, who are thinking the fight might be being lost that it absolutely is not!!  Your footprint is huge by beginning in your own little space with your own little unit!  Every time you share your thoughts, your meals, your table you influence others in small ways to try more to do more.  Do not be afraid to share.  Do not be afraid to speak.  Do not be afraid to say no thank you to things that will do you harm. 

Food is and can be beautiful.  Food should be healthy and not chemical.  Food should be easy.  Food should nourish us body and soul.  Food should not poison.  Food should unite and make us all stronger and better.  So passionate foodies keep fighting the fight.  It begins in your homes with your little people.  They are listening and watching!!  You make a much bigger difference than you would ever believe so EAT WELL!!!!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Life Says...

So life kicks you in the pants, you get all funkified, you ask for help, you say I can't any feel all alone and unheard...  So life takes it's lessons seriously, it reaches out and it smacks people around and says "LISTEN UP"...and makes you do things you wouldn't normally do, and opens your eyes...WIDE.  It then says hold hands and make sure you have your buddy and DO NOT LET GO!!  There is more life for you to get through.  Now that is behind you look forward and take time to remember!!  Thanks life we have hard heads in this family but I think we got it again!  Come on buddy grab my hand!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011


You ever been in a funk (not in a James Brown way) and find you can't dig yourself out completely? You swim your way to the surface, look around a bit, try and take in some fresh air, and then something grabs your ankles and yanks you back down to start the process all over again.
I keep thinking my time must be about over with it. It has been around for far too long now. I just can't get enough air. I can't breathe down to my core and ease off the mountain I feel sitting on my shoulders. My heart hurts. My head aches. My jaw throbs from all the tension. I have holes bitten into my tongue with all the words I am trying to be wise to not utter.
I have tears that weave their way into my day. And we are talking lovely, good days. Not sad, not difficult...but there they come. I feel like I do not have the words to explain. I do not and can not tell you why. If I could I can guaran-damn-tee you I would be fixing it. I would not choose to continue sinking. I would breathe sooooo very deep and soooo often...and I would be hugging this life of mine soooo very tight. But right now...that is impossible. I can't even lift my arms. My smile is broken. My life is being lived by halves... I really feel I want to run and run far... I want to hide away and not speak...(my words are all wrong any way)...I do not want to hurt or disappoint another person and I am beyond exhausted by being hurt and disappointed... the universe keeps telling me to take control of my happiness like it is that easy and simple...heck I am not even sure what that is any more...
I do know that my daily work environment is pulling me under and standing on my shoulders to keep me there. I have fought and fought to not let it and ignore and take it no avail. And if you have never been in an emotionally loaded environment for extended periods of time you can have to idea what it does to your body, your mind, your heart, your sleep, your energy, it takes it all and wears you down. I send out my prayers. I send out my energy for healing and hope and change. I go to my yoga mat hoping to dump enough emo crap to be able to function. I smudge, and I journal (to the point of complete writer's cramp), I exercise to exorcise the stress, I get massages to let go the junk I carry in my muscles, I am trying all I can...I have gotten on the water to sit and be overwhelmed at nature's complete and pure beauty.
I feel hurt and rejected and used. None of this will simply pass...but know I am trying. I am trying to see the me that has to be there under all the ick and hurt and stress and fret and dread. I know she is there. I believe she used to be cool and funny and kind. But I haven't seen her in a while. Let me know if you find her and please send her home!

Friday, September 16, 2011


I have been busily flying along living a life. Intentions being to write, intentions being to read, intentions being to connect, intentions being to rest, intentions being to breathe... I find in my unending quest for balance I am not meeting any of my intentions. So unarmed with a great picture for this post I find myself at a keyboard and ready to type.

So many thoughts in my head, biggest and foremost is news my friend received yesterday that his twenty something daughter has been missing for 7 days. Being a mom to two girls, I cannot physically imagine the feeling of news like this and hope to never, ever, ever know how it feels. Then I sit and wonder what do you do for someone who has had a rug yanked from under them? How can you support them and say the right things when you are giving thanks it isn't you at that moment? All I can think to do is light my candles and send all the good energy and good juju to him and his family I can. And hope upon hope that she contacts them and that this was her decision and that she is healthy and all will be well. Meanwhile, there is a young boy, who fortunately is safe, wondering where his mama is and a father crying himself to sleep with worry and helplessness...

Then there is just the unsettled world I find myself in everyday. The world I should be grateful for because it is called employment. The place that allows me and my gang to be together and live the life we enjoy...that does get eclipsed though. All the days of rage, angst, accusations, distrust, seething, worry, covering your backside, and holding your breath, is exhausting. Completely and utterly mentally finishing. I feel like I somedays can't take one more step or think one more thought. I am drained. I need to breathe and escape but the weekends go by in a blink and then there is another week to take hour by hour and survive. At some point it has to come to a can't keep building there is no more room for that...I am waiting for the final fallout and if you have ever sat waiting for the worst to finally be over you know how that feels! My only comfort is that yoga starts up again on Sunday and I have one day a week to remind myself I really need to keep breathing and just ride the wave.

On a happier note, my friend and I bought a boat. I am calling it my therapy right now. It was like the universe knew my world was going to get rocky and that I had longer to be in the muck before a real escape can happen, the universe heard all my whining and sighing over being on water and said well you can't move but here try this. And now I just have to shovel the week till the weather says yep come on out then I float and rest and breathe and soak in all that is good and return ready to keep climbing the hill. Thank you universe! I didn't know I ever wanted a boat but you are right I really, really did!!!

So if you find yourself with a moment, send out some prayers, or juju, or energy to my friend and his family, and heck to our little workplace. May peace and safety find you and yours as well.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

These Days...

I have been slowed down by an icky summer cold. However, out of this cold I had a really, really great day. This great day was brought to me by that beautiful soul above. Her big sister is out of town, and I have found that when she is on her own she changes and really shines. This little person gently asked for my attention. She wooed and she comforted and she worked and she imagined and she made me completely melt. She told me "This is the best day of my life I am so glad you are home, oh sorry I mean I wish you weren't sick but I am glad I got to spend the day with you." I didn't cry!! There is my year's miracle. How can taking some time and making some time make such a big difference?? Well that is what I thought. But it truly does to one very important little soul who really makes me feel like I am Queen of the world. Thank you my little sage for your care and understanding and for making me a better Mommy!

Monday, August 1, 2011


This weekend we Relayed. We came together as friends and family and worked to raise money to end Cancer. We remembered, we celebrated, we cried, we smiled, we walked and walked some more, we worked, we met new friends, we came together as a community to share an experience. And once again we all left closer and more touched than we were when we arrived, and more tired and sore! But we made a stand and said enough is enough and I am here for you all. Now we rest and recover and brainstorm for next year what else can we do. We are always open. We will take your donations of time and product for next year. Thanks to every single one of you who helped us on our journey in whatever way. No way is ever too small!! Wishing much peace, healing and love to all those effected by this disease.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Why is it going soooo fast????

Why is summer flying by at the speed of light? Why is it all those things "we will do this summer" have not yet been done? How come we haven't made the day trips we had in our heads? How come the kitchen isn't finished and the girls room still has carpet? How come there hasn't been a yard sale? How come there haven't been more bike rides and picnics??? How come there hasn't been more time on the porch??? How come there hasn't been time with girlfriends sipping mojitos or wine?

Summer is on fast forward. I have begged it to stop but it has it's fingers in it's ears ignoring me like a small child! I had grand plans doesn't it know?? I had wanted to visit a couple new beaches this summer. We had Ann Arbor visits to make. We were meant to go to Mackinaw and visit a lighthouse. I was supposed to finish that whole playing in the dirt brick and reclaiming of the flower beds thing that got abandoned. I was supposed to be making more food with more local produce. But it is racing me to that finish line of back to school! I have this niggling feeling that I am going to lose this race!

We have had lemonade stands for Relay for Life, we have had bug camp, and gardening at Dow gardens, there has been one week of wanna be an architecht camp, two weeks of nature camp for two very tired girls, one runaway with a girlfriend up north to be a grown up on a beach, then another runaway up north to explore and play in the sand and climb huge piles of it with my two lovely ladies, and there is the ongoing painting then tiling of the kitchen project, there has been our CSA deliveries, there has been fresh berries eaten cold from a cooler by Lake Michigan, there is still Relay for Life which is tomorrow (yikes), a dinner sail coming for me and the ladies first concert coming quickly, there are hopes for an Anniversary outing and maybe one more escape to the beach...but really and truly what happened to it??

It slips past soooo fast any more. Seems the older they get the faster it goes as I try to hold onto a few more moments and memories and chats. But I intend to keep trying!