You ever been in a funk (not in a James Brown way) and find you can't dig yourself out completely? You swim your way to the surface, look around a bit, try and take in some fresh air, and then something grabs your ankles and yanks you back down to start the process all over again.
I keep thinking my time must be about over with it. It has been around for far too long now. I just can't get enough air. I can't breathe down to my core and ease off the mountain I feel sitting on my shoulders. My heart hurts. My head aches. My jaw throbs from all the tension. I have holes bitten into my tongue with all the words I am trying to be wise to not utter.
I have tears that weave their way into my day. And we are talking lovely, good days. Not sad, not difficult...but there they come. I feel like I do not have the words to explain. I do not and can not tell you why. If I could I can guaran-damn-tee you I would be fixing it. I would not choose to continue sinking. I would breathe sooooo very deep and soooo often...and I would be hugging this life of mine soooo very tight. But right now...that is impossible. I can't even lift my arms. My smile is broken. My life is being lived by halves... I really feel I want to run and run far... I want to hide away and not speak...(my words are all wrong any way)...I do not want to hurt or disappoint another person and I am beyond exhausted by being hurt and disappointed... the universe keeps telling me to take control of my happiness like it is that easy and simple...heck I am not even sure what that is any more...
I do know that my daily work environment is pulling me under and standing on my shoulders to keep me there. I have fought and fought to not let it and ignore and take it on...to no avail. And if you have never been in an emotionally loaded environment for extended periods of time you can have to idea what it does to your body, your mind, your heart, your sleep, your energy, it takes it all and wears you down. I send out my prayers. I send out my energy for healing and hope and change. I go to my yoga mat hoping to dump enough emo crap to be able to function. I smudge, and I journal (to the point of complete writer's cramp), I exercise to exorcise the stress, I get massages to let go the junk I carry in my muscles, I am trying all I can...I have gotten on the water to sit and be overwhelmed at nature's complete and pure beauty.
I feel hurt and rejected and used. None of this will simply pass...but know I am trying. I am trying to see the me that has to be there under all the ick and hurt and stress and fret and dread. I know she is there. I believe she used to be cool and funny and kind. But I haven't seen her in a while. Let me know if you find her and please send her home!