Funkified

You ever been in a funk (not in a James Brown way) and find you can't dig yourself out completely? You swim your way to the surface, look around a bit, try and take in some fresh air, and then something grabs your ankles and yanks you back down to start the process all over again.
I keep thinking my time must be about over with it. It has been around for far too long now. I just can't get enough air. I can't breathe down to my core and ease off the mountain I feel sitting on my shoulders. My heart hurts. My head aches. My jaw throbs from all the tension. I have holes bitten into my tongue with all the words I am trying to be wise to not utter.
I have tears that weave their way into my day. And we are talking lovely, good days. Not sad, not difficult...but there they come. I feel like I do not have the words to explain. I do not and can not tell you why. If I could I can guaran-damn-tee you I would be fixing it. I would not choose to continue sinking. I would breathe sooooo very deep and soooo often...and I would be hugging this life of mine soooo very tight. But right now...that is impossible. I can't even lift my arms. My smile is broken. My life is being lived by halves... I really feel I want to run and run far... I want to hide away and not speak...(my words are all wrong any way)...I do not want to hurt or disappoint another person and I am beyond exhausted by being hurt and disappointed... the universe keeps telling me to take control of my happiness like it is that easy and simple...heck I am not even sure what that is any more...
I do know that my daily work environment is pulling me under and standing on my shoulders to keep me there. I have fought and fought to not let it and ignore and take it on...to no avail. And if you have never been in an emotionally loaded environment for extended periods of time you can have to idea what it does to your body, your mind, your heart, your sleep, your energy, it takes it all and wears you down. I send out my prayers. I send out my energy for healing and hope and change. I go to my yoga mat hoping to dump enough emo crap to be able to function. I smudge, and I journal (to the point of complete writer's cramp), I exercise to exorcise the stress, I get massages to let go the junk I carry in my muscles, I am trying all I can...I have gotten on the water to sit and be overwhelmed at nature's complete and pure beauty.
I feel hurt and rejected and used. None of this will simply pass...but know I am trying. I am trying to see the me that has to be there under all the ick and hurt and stress and fret and dread. I know she is there. I believe she used to be cool and funny and kind. But I haven't seen her in a while. Let me know if you find her and please send her home!

Life

I have been busily flying along living a life. Intentions being to write, intentions being to read, intentions being to connect, intentions being to rest, intentions being to breathe... I find in my unending quest for balance I am not meeting any of my intentions. So unarmed with a great picture for this post I find myself at a keyboard and ready to type.

So many thoughts in my head, biggest and foremost is news my friend received yesterday that his twenty something daughter has been missing for 7 days. Being a mom to two girls, I cannot physically imagine the feeling of news like this and hope to never, ever, ever know how it feels. Then I sit and wonder what do you do for someone who has had a rug yanked from under them? How can you support them and say the right things when you are giving thanks it isn't you at that moment? All I can think to do is light my candles and send all the good energy and good juju to him and his family I can. And hope upon hope that she contacts them and that this was her decision and that she is healthy and all will be well. Meanwhile, there is a young boy, who fortunately is safe, wondering where his mama is and a father crying himself to sleep with worry and helplessness...

Then there is just the unsettled world I find myself in everyday. The world I should be grateful for because it is called employment. The place that allows me and my gang to be together and live the life we enjoy...that does get eclipsed though. All the days of rage, angst, accusations, distrust, seething, worry, covering your backside, and holding your breath, is exhausting. Completely and utterly mentally finishing. I feel like I somedays can't take one more step or think one more thought. I am drained. I need to breathe and escape but the weekends go by in a blink and then there is another week to take hour by hour and survive. At some point it has to come to a head...it can't keep building there is no more room for that...I am waiting for the final fallout and if you have ever sat waiting for the worst to finally be over you know how that feels! My only comfort is that yoga starts up again on Sunday and I have one day a week to remind myself I really need to keep breathing and just ride the wave.

On a happier note, my friend and I bought a boat. I am calling it my therapy right now. It was like the universe knew my world was going to get rocky and that I had longer to be in the muck before a real escape can happen, the universe heard all my whining and sighing over being on water and said well you can't move but here try this. And now I just have to shovel the week till the weather says yep come on out then I float and rest and breathe and soak in all that is good and return ready to keep climbing the hill. Thank you universe! I didn't know I ever wanted a boat but you are right I really, really did!!!

So if you find yourself with a moment, send out some prayers, or juju, or energy to my friend and his family, and heck to our little workplace. May peace and safety find you and yours as well.

Transitions

Transitions...I seem to finding them everywhere. Some really good bringing peace and contentment. Some I am fighting and digging in my heels with the utmost resistance. And some are just making me feel lonely and sad. I know this is life. And I know all the stuff going on isn't really much on the radar scope of life just blips. Little bits of life nothing compared to the stories of some but right now I have enough little blips to keep me hanging on.

And today a very dear friend of mine is retiring. I am happy for him. Glad he gets to relax and explore and move on. But I am really very sad. He and I have been friends for 16 years. We have been through so very many big life things together not to mention surviving that place called work. And today the person who has talked me off the proverbial ledge more times than I can count, is riding off into his sunset. It just feels like a loss.

So I am still here. Treading water and trying to find an even keel but right now I am not doing this gracefully I am tired, I am edgy, I am on the verge of tears...but I do know this is all good and it too will all pass and when I am through it all I hope I will have learned something from it and can find a bit of peace.

Swimming

I am treading water. I am trying hard to swim. To stay afloat, amidst the negativity and ire that surrounds me. I am trying not to be sucked in but again and again I get tugged by a current that threatens to pull me under. A current that draws me into the swirling eddies and attempts to pull me under too. I do not have quiet or peace or calm that I seek in my day to day life. But at the moment I am surrounded by so many people with unrest in their worlds. They rage and they attack never looking outside themselves to realize all they damage in their storms. So there are a few of us that are being hauled in and beaten about because of their irritation with their world. And I am waiting to see if I am to be thrown against the rocks or if I will pass into the eye of the storm left to try to heal and band aid up my wounds. I also am left to wonder how to prevent myself from being sucked into their wake in the future. You see I have this very stubborn opinionated way about me that makes me completely unable to hold my tongue for too long. I eventually spew and give everyone my thoughts after nearly biting a hole in my tongue!!! So how to not be me? Or is that even the problem?? Sigh...more swimming yet to do!

GROWL

Did I mention that my word for the year has morphed from breathe into growl??? I am aggravated and defeated and exhausted and feel like laying down on my couch and having a big ole toddler style tantrum. Every time I think, ok I can do this, I can get through this, it will be ok, yet another needle is piled on my very topply haystack!! Six day work weeks, more night shifts, change, change, change...oh and did I mention this is our busy season so I don't even want to be there at all much less more more more....ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GROWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need my blankie....I still wonder how to get through this without feeling every ounce of frustration and bitterness...needing to be grateful for being employed and having a job to get aggravated over...but I sometimes wonder is it worth what my insides feel like right now? Is it worth the pinching nerve in my shoulder from all the tension I store up there....when is enough enough???? Sigh.....

Growl...

Sometimes life for me is not all smiles and giggles...actually this last week I would probably be more likely to growl at you than laugh and say hello... I have tried to make peace and breathe and find my happy place in general but work life simply keeps getting in the way of all that! I get angry just thinking about the place. Not good, this I know! Getting angry at anything this regularly would probably be life's way of hitting you up side the head saying seek change...find a balance or else...but this is not a job I can walk away from, particularly since I am the bread winner in our household. Not a real option to just bag it all and walk away...that is the bad part of being a grown up!! I like the work I do unfortunately it comes with a huge ball of politics and interventions and threats and what-ifs that are so beyond my influence and ability to control...and for me as for most people it is the lack of control that is so very hard. I am not a control freak...but I like to feel like my life is under my hand...and this job over and over has made me feel powerless...and this is not a career you want the people doing it to feel so distracted and aggravated!! And everyday brings more threats and frustrations and more hours and overtime and head beating!!!!!!! And by the end of the work day I am a vegetable curling up in a fetal postion on my couch...dreading going back in the next day... I knew this year would be like this well somewhat like this and I even picked a word to remember for the year breathe as I knew it would be all in my power to do but I have found putting that very wise choice into action has been very difficult to remember as my life is becoming less and less my own...but really it is still all I have left in my control to breathe....so life is not just gardens blooming and my lovely ladies but me wanting to scream out loud!!! Sigh...

Slouchy Day

Oh, I would so love to stay home today snuggled under the freshly changed sheets and quilts...but alas I have a day of work still ahead of me!!! And I am having a very slouchy, don't care what I look like day, not so good really when I am supposed to look all polished and professional (yes even on a late Sat. night shift! The govt. knows no weekends!!) So I have put on an outfit that just fits all the technicalities of professionalism but allows me to curl up...and to not assist my already blase mood it keeps SNOWING!!! We are running out of places to shovel it to!!

At least I received my latest issue of http://vegetariantimes.com. I was subscribing to this magazine before Himself ever decided to go veg! Good thing we all aren't complete carnivores! It is already pretty difficult to find my balance making dinners for us all... and even though I love veggies and really do not eat a lot of meat there are a few things I just simply will not give up, like BACON!! Or a really good bbq... or even shrimp...so I will just continue on my omnivore path!! But thankfully there will be something good to peruse on my breaks tonight.

So keep warm and have some slouchy, snuggle time on my behalf!!! More from the ward later!