Sunday, April 29, 2012
I am not a complainer. I feel like admitting to my pain is admitting to defeat. I feel like it is an excuse. And I do NOT tolerate whining and excuses as a person and even in my work. But I feel like there needs to be words. Something to shed a little light on what my world is like daily.
The past week has been one of the bad ones. I feel like there are not words enough to explain it all. But imagine every joint on your body, and it aches soooo completely that it feels like the pain will bust through the skin and your joint will explode. It hurts allover in such a way, you cannot settle, there is no position, not one thing you can do in a day that gives relief which leaves you feeling antsy and edgy. I have days where I would like to just pace but I can't do that without drawing attention to my discomfort. My work requires a lot of sitting still. My body hurts into the bones. It is distracting at best. I feel like bawling most days, but I do not. I take ibuprofen like M&M's because despite it's minimal effect is the only thing I can take and work.
I have no diagnosis. In fact most people treat you like an attention seeker if you mention being in pain. They brush you aside and say things like "keep going it will get better". When in fact that is completely not true. I say this not as a pessimist but as a realist who is living in this body. You also get the look from people if you mention hurting that suggests you should "put your big girl panties on and deal with it". As much as I wouldn't wish this on any person ever, I frequently wish everyone I know could feel for even five minutes what this feels like. How hard it is to keep going and not give in. How when I make it to the gym I feel like a superhero. How when I keep going after a day of sitting at work and do things with kids and make dinner I feel like I have kicked some butt.
I have tried allergy diets IE gluten free and vegan diets with no sugar, I have had physical therapy for various portions of my aching person, I have essential oiled my person, I go for regular massages, I exercise including yoga 5 days a week (despite some added pain I wouldn't be able to move without it), I have had acupuncture, I have saunaed...and there is very little on that list that has made a dent in my outcome.
I am scared. I am 41 years old. My body feels like it hates me. I get through my days by what feels like sheer miracles. What happens as I age? This has been my youth now what happens? I hide it well. I keep going and keep doing but I find it is getting harder to patch it all over and function.
So if you see someone, and you think "wow they are grouchy" or "what is wrong with them" or "wow they are lazy" take a second and just allow for a moment that maybe they aren't all those things. That maybe they are doing their absolute best to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to hold it all together. And maybe we should lift them up instead of add to their issues. And to those of you with chronic pain I send you my hugs and cheers!