I have been intending to be in this space for so very long. I need words. I thrive when there is time for words. But life has kept me just hanging on doing one day at a time. Just getting through trying to be the best Mama, wife, friend, co-worker and person I can be. Sometimes I fail miserably at all the above. Sometimes like anyone else I have moments in which I feel I shine.
However what gets me in this space is a need for release of all that is in my head and heart. Do you ever have something you know is coming and is inevitable but you just are in no way ready nor will you ever be? But that thing will come. It will happen no matter how hard you pray, no matter how hard you try to laugh and smile, how hard you try to focus on something other. It is there. It is with you for the ride.
Growing up and getting older is hard. Not for what you might assume, appearances, wrinkles, aches and pains. But this being a big girl thing is hard in that those who have been so important to you through all those growing pains start to come to the end of their journeys. Their time is ending and you (hopefully) will continue on (or try to).
That is happening for me right now. I try not to think or feel because there are a wall of tears just waiting there. And I fear once they start they may never end. But my life goes on around me and I try to be ok. I try for my kids, my husband, my friends, my co-workers to keep moving forward with a decent (no way is it going to be good right now) attitude. But behind it all is the stark, painful fact that someone who is such a part of me is dying. She is checking off her list and getting ready and while I do not wish her pain and suffering I will never ever be ready for her to go.
I was gifted with a weekend with her last week. In which I got to tell her all the things I wanted her to know. I got to thank her and tell her how very important she has been in making me who I am today. I got to hold her, and take care of her, and laugh with her, and listen to her as she got things off her chest and cried.
I love this woman. I will always love this woman. I am now afraid for my phone to ring. I am now afraid for the next step. This isn't my journey but hers. I want her to have peace and light in her passing. I want her to breathe and be pain free. But oh how very much I wish for more time.
So please make the time. Find time to be with those that are important to you. Life is always busy, always full but don't regret that you didn't make it happen. Bridge gaps of distance and time and say the words and make sure those you love know you love them now not when it is too late!!!