Feelin' Good

I really can't explain how grateful I am right now.  I went to yoga tonight, our community center has finally added yoga to it's fitness schedule.  Thankfully, they hired an incredible teacher who really seems to love yoga and sharing it with us all.  She is patient.  She is calm.  She is insightful.  She is adaptive. 

I have stumbled around in her class through some of the ick.  And never quite come to a peace I was hoping for.  But now there is this Wednesday night class which is a mix of all levels and the teacher embraces the middle of the work week eveningness of it and she is pampering us and nourishing us. 

But tonight, she always asks if there is anything we need to work on and any tight spots or sore spots, I almost cried and must have glowed...tonight for the first time in my recent memory when I did a quick overall scan of my body, I could say nope.  I FEEL GOOD!!!  Me I said those words!!  And I meant it! 

So tonight's practice felt like a gift.  I love the energy and the faces that come into that space.  And I love that it is my little midweek gift to me.  Thank you thank you thank you universe for putting this right at my doorstep.  Yep me thinks health is a great word for my new year!  I am on a comeback!!

Coming Back

It has been a long time since I have visited my little space.  I would like to have more time here so with hopes of words to come I am back today. 

I have been a little out of sorts for a while.  My body seemed to have a tantrum and threw my groove.  As I have said before life with pain is a challenge.  You lose some of yourself and who you want to be in the world in the process.  Mentally, it is like climbing a very big mountain with no equipment. 

But I made steps, with nudges and encouragement from dear friends, and I am now in the process of working with a naturopath to fix me.  And I must say it feels sooooo good to feel again.  To want to laugh and be able to laugh and be able to see and hear and be touched by the world I move in.  I am grateful to have hope and be on a path to peace and joy.  I have things to do in this world and I am glad to be on a path that will give me a whole person to do them all.

This year I picked the word HEALTH for my word of the year.  I see this as a very life encompassing word.  My physical health, my mental, my financial, my home, my environment.  I am forgiving myself and making time and budget to allow for the things I need to restore me to whole.  I am opening myself to listening and awareness of my inner voice and my bodies needs. 

I need to do soooo many things and add much more into my plan.  When the pain came I lost my groove for exercise and am still trying to find my way back.  Also my eating took a dive, when you don't feel good plans and food prep seem like Mt. Everest.  But I am working on my patience and trying to see this as a journey not an instant gratification event.  I am not good at this, never have been, I want results and yesterday, this thought needs to shift as well so I can truly be healthy.  Right now, while I fix my taxed system and get it on the road to recovery, some things have to take a backseat to be added later.  If you know me at all you know that slowing down is really not in my vocabulary.  But I am trying to just accept it all day by day, moment by moment. 

So far, I have made a schedule shift that has led me to less stress and more sleep.  It also gave me back some things I was missing that brought me contentment and joy, think book club and kid time.  I have been doing what will equate to 12 sessions, at 6 now of hydrotherapy come on organs kick it with me!!  I have an infared sauna purchased to keep detoxing and healing this aching being I live in.  I am being choosy about who gets my time and when I say yes.  (This will continually be a work in progress).  I have gotten my behind back on my yoga mat at least once a week, this needs to increase but see baby steps.  I am making goals to get at least 30min of exercise of varied forms into my daily routine, right now that is inconsistent but trying to not "Sheila" it and let it happen.  I have added supplements (yes I always protested ingesting any extra into my body I am learning) and so far I feel like they have made me a much improved unit.  I have also added green juice back into my daily life.    I have goals for meal planning, dry brushing, and finding even more quiet and reflection time, also watching for any opportunity to laugh. My new question for myself is, "is this healthy for me?  Does it do anything to promote my goal of health??"

I want to really express my gratitude to all the friends and family that have stayed by my side still seeing me and who I am when I did not.  All of you who have lifted me up and loved me any way even when I really couldn't return the favor, you are all so beyond incredible.  I am blessed to have so many people who truly love me.  Also thanks to the universe who has thrown the right people in my path on this process old and new. 

So let me tell you, no matter what you have going on there is a way.  There is a path for you, you just have to pay attention and listen to yourself to find it.  My wish for you is that you surround yourselves in gentle thoughts and realize moment by moment is still forward movement and I am proud of you!! 

The Power of We, Blog Action Day

Ok I am arriving late to the game today, I almost scrapped it and did not post for Blog Action Day but this post has been running around in my head since I re-upped for the even this year so it had to find it's place.

For me the power of we was recently gifted to me from an unlikely source, Facebook.  Yes you read that correctly, as social media site gave me and my Monkey Baby (she is now 8 and no longer a baby but IS very similar to a guy called Curious George) a feeling of being lifted up, when life had trampled us a bit.  I discovered that we are all truly part of a village.  That it takes a "we" to get through this crazy thing called life with all it's ups and it's downs as we navigate our paths. 

After the first week of school, said Monkey Baby said she needed to talk to me.  This talk ended up with tears and her telling me of how she is made fun of in school for basically every reason that makes her the completely awesome, unique Monkey Baby that our little corner of the world has come to love.  She was hurt to her core.  And with her story and her words so in fact was I as her Mama.  I couldn't fix it.  I could not protect her heart from this very sad right of passage of growing up.  We talked and talked.  We came up with ideas and things for her to do, try, and plans for what happens next. 

                                                                   (Monkey Baby)

Once my yummy was in bed, I felt soooo lost.  I felt like I was stumbling alone through this tunnel called parenthood.  So I turned, as do many of us, to FB and I told our little tale, threw it out to the masses.  What happened over the next few days was a source of healing and comfort to my Mama's heart.  Messages from people I knew casually and those I had known for what seems like ever.  Everyone unique in their approach and content.  Some had stories of self, some were cheering her on to keep being her, some sent songs, some sent quotes.  But it was what has come to be known as an outpouring.  And most of the people sending messages to my little lady did not know her personally.  But they pulled together to support and in effect protect my little person from the sad fact of bullying.  I felt like these people pulled together and built us a safety net.  They reach out to me and her and showed that there is more and that we in our little corner of the world are NOT alone.  I read these messages to her and played her the songs and she smiled and said "I think they like me."  I still believe these messages pulled her through.  They buoyed her bouncy spirit and put her back onto her track in this world of blazing trails not just following them.

I do believe that we are a village.  That despite miles and the busyness that our lives now hold that we are there for each other when the chips are down.  I think we lose sight and it gets eclipsed in the fast of our world now.  But I know that the power of we is still here and is very strong!!  And I am grateful for my crazy little village of people watching our for me and my family. 

Still more to do...a list...

So a blog is expected...yet I find my life lately is run more by lists...things that I have to do, things I NEED to do, and things I want to do...unfortunately they do not always overlap and this thing called time is elluding me this summer...

-Girls' vaccination
-E's bug fair
-Keep shovelling girls' room
-Work, this get's in the way of the need and want to lists and sadly falls on the have to
-BOATING
-Demolition Derby date at the Fair
-Massage
-Relay wrap up picnic (this also sadly falls on my Anniversary and is a have to definitely not a want to)
-Throw stuff away (think major scale basement and bedrooms)
-Get supplies for girls' room redo
-Redo girls' room
-Reclaim house
-Eat better
-Use up pantry stockpile
-Get back to exercise regularly (see above list to know why this will be setting myself up to fail)
-Get ladies signed up for class
-Pick up B's schedule while she is gone
-Weed the sad little flower beds
-Go to the bank and daydream a bit bigger
-Have at least one morning on the porch with coffee and a book while ladies are away
-Breathe (yes sadly this has to be on the list sometimes)
-Discover my meditation spot (this makes me laugh...as it is a New Year's goal)

Sigh and sadly think this goes on and on...maybe the house will at least look like a home not a dump site, and maybe just maybe I might have some time on water again...just not sure this is ever going to happen so back to the Breathe command...

It shouldn't be

So my lovelies and I escaped up to Beulah for our annual Beach Bum trip up north.  It is our one TRUE vacation and we love to just lay around and play in the water and the sand, ohhhh the sand I do believe we brought home an entire beach in the truck. 

Of course being away from home, we had to stop at the grocery store for supplies, we got in a checkout lane behind a cute little, very tiny old lady who reminded me immensely of my Grandma in Tennessee.  The cashier had finished ringing her order and it appeared she was using a Bridge Card or some other public assistance...the little old lady was telling the cashier, "Oh no.  He said I can only buy essentials and I cannot go over..."  the cashier and bag boy were wonderful and said no problem we can help get the total down, what do you not want...

At this point, the little old lady was handing her back toilet paper and bleach...that was as far as I let it go, I whispered to the cashier and asked her how much is she short, she blanched a little afraid to tell me, it was twenty four dollars and some change.  I said put her stuff back in her bags I will pay the difference.  The cashier seemed surprised but touched, the little old lady had no idea anything had happened the bag boy helped her out with ALL her groceries, and the cashier started to cry and I had goosebumps.  All I could imagine was my Grandma and how she could have used someone to watch out for her and how I wish it could have been me but the world didn't work out like that then.  But in this one moment, for the price I would have paid for a vacation t-shirt, a little old lady didn't have to pick between food and toilet paper.  And I had a chance to remember my Grandma and show my girls that there are small ways to reach out and make a difference you just have to be open and listening and grateful for what you have and where you get to be. 

Pain

I am guessing and hoping, that most of you have very little pain in your lives.  That you do not know the feeling of chronic aching.  I unfortunately do.
 
I am not a complainer.  I feel like admitting to my pain is admitting to defeat.  I feel like it is an excuse.  And I do NOT tolerate whining and excuses as a person and even in my work.  But I feel like there needs to be words.  Something to shed a little light on what my world is like daily. 

The past week has been one of the bad ones.  I feel like there are not words enough to explain it all.  But imagine every joint on your body, and it aches soooo completely that it feels like the pain will bust through the skin and your joint will explode.  It hurts allover in such a way, you cannot settle, there is no position, not one thing you can do in a day that gives relief which leaves you feeling antsy and edgy.  I have days where I would like to just pace but I can't do that without drawing attention to my discomfort.  My work requires a lot of sitting still.  My body hurts into the bones.  It is distracting at best.  I feel like bawling most days, but I do not.  I take ibuprofen like M&M's because despite it's minimal effect is the only thing I can take and work. 

I have no diagnosis.  In fact most people treat you like an attention seeker if you mention being in pain.  They brush you aside and say things like "keep going it will get better".  When in fact that is completely not true.  I say this not as a pessimist but as a realist who is living in this body.  You also get the look from people if you mention hurting that suggests you should "put your big girl panties on and deal with it".  As much as I wouldn't wish this on any person ever, I frequently wish everyone I know could feel for even five minutes what this feels like.  How hard it is to keep going and not give in.  How when I make it to the gym I feel like a superhero.  How when I keep going after a day of sitting at work and do things with kids and make dinner I feel like I have kicked some butt. 

I have tried allergy diets IE gluten free and vegan diets with no sugar, I have had physical therapy for various portions of my aching person, I have essential oiled my person, I go for regular massages, I exercise including yoga 5 days a week (despite some added pain I wouldn't be able to move without it), I have had acupuncture, I have saunaed...and there is very little on that list that has made a dent in my outcome. 

I am scared.  I am 41 years old.  My body feels like it hates me.  I get through my days by what feels like sheer miracles.  What happens as I age?  This has been my youth now what happens?  I hide it well.  I keep going and keep doing but I find it is getting harder to patch it all over and function. 

So if you see someone, and you think "wow they are grouchy" or "what is wrong with them" or "wow they are lazy" take a second and just allow for a moment that maybe they aren't all those things. That maybe they are doing their absolute best to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to hold it all together.  And maybe we should lift them up instead of add to their issues.  And to those of you with chronic pain I send you my hugs and cheers!

Heartaches

I made my journey north today...
I love it up there.  As soon as I get off the main highway and start towards my destination, I begin to breathe.  My shoulders actually come down out of my ears and I feel a grin begin on my face.  I love that drive. The twists, the turns, the trees, the water, all bringing me closer to the beach.

I had a list of nearly 8 houses to see, however many were already taken, so I got to see 3.  One was beyond bad so made it's way right off the list.  The other two gave me a problem, the one that I can afford, that would work, was not the one that made my heart sing (isn't that always the way).  The one that did was old, quirky, and had all the hopes I have for my runaway place (well aside from the outside that needs paint or siding).  But it is out of my reach by a bit.

After, I went to Crystal Beach to find it under repairs as they prepare for the season, so I meandered my way over to Frankfort and found some solace in a latte and croissant and a walk on the beach.  But looking at the water, and hearing the waves made my heartache.  It hurts me so very deeply to have to leave the beach and the water.  An ache like none I have ever known.  I feel almost breathless and unable to breathe when I have to think about leaving and driving away.  Today there were tears.  I am ever grateful I live somewhere where I can access such beauty easily.  But I ache for more.  I want this to be part of my world.  I have to believe that it will be.  That I will have a spot to runaway to and breathe and refill.  Where my big day will include walking along the water and feeling like a lottery winner when I find a piece of beach glass AND a heart-shaped rock.  These are the simple things that I soooooo want in this world. 

I wish my Irishman understod this more.  That he could feel even for a few minutes how my heart feels when I stand there and breathe it all in and more importantly how it feels when I have to leave.  This want to be up North is more than just a whim.  It is something I feel to my core.  The water calls me.  And now I have to start listening for possible answers...