Funkified

You ever been in a funk (not in a James Brown way) and find you can't dig yourself out completely? You swim your way to the surface, look around a bit, try and take in some fresh air, and then something grabs your ankles and yanks you back down to start the process all over again.
I keep thinking my time must be about over with it. It has been around for far too long now. I just can't get enough air. I can't breathe down to my core and ease off the mountain I feel sitting on my shoulders. My heart hurts. My head aches. My jaw throbs from all the tension. I have holes bitten into my tongue with all the words I am trying to be wise to not utter.
I have tears that weave their way into my day. And we are talking lovely, good days. Not sad, not difficult...but there they come. I feel like I do not have the words to explain. I do not and can not tell you why. If I could I can guaran-damn-tee you I would be fixing it. I would not choose to continue sinking. I would breathe sooooo very deep and soooo often...and I would be hugging this life of mine soooo very tight. But right now...that is impossible. I can't even lift my arms. My smile is broken. My life is being lived by halves... I really feel I want to run and run far... I want to hide away and not speak...(my words are all wrong any way)...I do not want to hurt or disappoint another person and I am beyond exhausted by being hurt and disappointed... the universe keeps telling me to take control of my happiness like it is that easy and simple...heck I am not even sure what that is any more...
I do know that my daily work environment is pulling me under and standing on my shoulders to keep me there. I have fought and fought to not let it and ignore and take it on...to no avail. And if you have never been in an emotionally loaded environment for extended periods of time you can have to idea what it does to your body, your mind, your heart, your sleep, your energy, it takes it all and wears you down. I send out my prayers. I send out my energy for healing and hope and change. I go to my yoga mat hoping to dump enough emo crap to be able to function. I smudge, and I journal (to the point of complete writer's cramp), I exercise to exorcise the stress, I get massages to let go the junk I carry in my muscles, I am trying all I can...I have gotten on the water to sit and be overwhelmed at nature's complete and pure beauty.
I feel hurt and rejected and used. None of this will simply pass...but know I am trying. I am trying to see the me that has to be there under all the ick and hurt and stress and fret and dread. I know she is there. I believe she used to be cool and funny and kind. But I haven't seen her in a while. Let me know if you find her and please send her home!

Life

I have been busily flying along living a life. Intentions being to write, intentions being to read, intentions being to connect, intentions being to rest, intentions being to breathe... I find in my unending quest for balance I am not meeting any of my intentions. So unarmed with a great picture for this post I find myself at a keyboard and ready to type.

So many thoughts in my head, biggest and foremost is news my friend received yesterday that his twenty something daughter has been missing for 7 days. Being a mom to two girls, I cannot physically imagine the feeling of news like this and hope to never, ever, ever know how it feels. Then I sit and wonder what do you do for someone who has had a rug yanked from under them? How can you support them and say the right things when you are giving thanks it isn't you at that moment? All I can think to do is light my candles and send all the good energy and good juju to him and his family I can. And hope upon hope that she contacts them and that this was her decision and that she is healthy and all will be well. Meanwhile, there is a young boy, who fortunately is safe, wondering where his mama is and a father crying himself to sleep with worry and helplessness...

Then there is just the unsettled world I find myself in everyday. The world I should be grateful for because it is called employment. The place that allows me and my gang to be together and live the life we enjoy...that does get eclipsed though. All the days of rage, angst, accusations, distrust, seething, worry, covering your backside, and holding your breath, is exhausting. Completely and utterly mentally finishing. I feel like I somedays can't take one more step or think one more thought. I am drained. I need to breathe and escape but the weekends go by in a blink and then there is another week to take hour by hour and survive. At some point it has to come to a head...it can't keep building there is no more room for that...I am waiting for the final fallout and if you have ever sat waiting for the worst to finally be over you know how that feels! My only comfort is that yoga starts up again on Sunday and I have one day a week to remind myself I really need to keep breathing and just ride the wave.

On a happier note, my friend and I bought a boat. I am calling it my therapy right now. It was like the universe knew my world was going to get rocky and that I had longer to be in the muck before a real escape can happen, the universe heard all my whining and sighing over being on water and said well you can't move but here try this. And now I just have to shovel the week till the weather says yep come on out then I float and rest and breathe and soak in all that is good and return ready to keep climbing the hill. Thank you universe! I didn't know I ever wanted a boat but you are right I really, really did!!!

So if you find yourself with a moment, send out some prayers, or juju, or energy to my friend and his family, and heck to our little workplace. May peace and safety find you and yours as well.

Time for Yoga

(Guest blogger Bronwyn back again this evening!!)

Hi it's me Bronwyn. I am here to tell you about yoga. Me and my mom do yoga. It's

so fun and cool!!! We also have a very good teacher her name is Meshle. When we

go to yoga we have so much fun.

Love,Bronwyn OOO

Chocolate Cake...

John and Ella say no more

paparazzi!!

A little after dinner

meditation from my yoga girl!

So tonight we had shrimp scampi, roasted green beans (thank you Betty they were yummy), and Moosewood Cookbook's Vegan Chocolate Cake!!

The Chocolate cake is super easy and super yummy as witnessed by the lack of pausing seen above! So love dinner and dessert on the porch! Been a long time since I took a time to make a dessert! I have been inspired by reading Julie and Julia to get back into the kitchen...mind you I will not be pulling out any Julia Child recipes!! No brains, livers, etc...for me, I would never stomach it! But playing around with fresh herbs and veggies while they last would be a welcome change to the runaway train of eating out I have found myself on. Now what to do with all those grains that I can't always identify in the pantry...recipe suggestions anyone???

Upside down yoga girl...

I am so behind in my postings so today you get two! One day in our kid's yoga class, Bronwyn and I were the only two students so our instructor pushed us a bit farther in our practice...and as you see my little yogini has really taken to the challenge. She asks me nearly every day to help her up into headstand. I on the other hand was unable to get up into the pose in a clumsy fit of giggles. I must say since Bronwyn and I began the yoga journey, she has been much better about incorporating her practice into her day to day life. I could really learn something and pick up some discipline from this 8 year old yoga girl! She is mindful and gets out her yoga cards I picked up for her in Portland and rolls out her mat and does her own sequence...she is a very wise lady and my hopes are that this gives her the outlet in the world for all the little annoyances and big ole worries. Because with being so wise comes worries that seem bigger than her 8 years. She internalizes a lot of the ick the world puts out there and finds a way to fret about it all. She has a big ole heart and worries about us all. So I hope that her yoga will give her perspective and some coping. A tool to help her survive herself. So that all the bad could happens in the world are replaced with the now and calm and the being in the world.

Shoofly...

So my little lady Bronwyn has been asking for months and months for me to make a Shoofly pie and some spinach artichoke dip. She had heard Ella Fitzgerald's song Shoolfy pie and wanted to know if it was in fact a real pie... after some research we discovered it in fact was a real pie. It was easy to put together, although to this day I cannot stand the smell of molasses!, and it was so incredibly yummy that it is nearly all gone! A complete success and thankfully the Elder Statesman can say she has in fact had Shoofly Pie, now I wonder how long before she asks for Apple Pan Dowdy??

While making the crusts, thanks to the Irishman and his infinite patience, I decided to initiate my new individual pie plates for quiches! Those too turned out lovely and were fun to have a smaller version of the same!

Ella got to help the Irishman roll out crusts, she loves to be in the kitchen! But it was very hard to photograph the live action of it all.

Last night I got to go to a cooking class. It was for tailgate foods, and although I have next to zero interest in any sport that would have tailgating I am very into the foods that come with!! The chef showed us how to make coconut shrimp, Detroit style coney sauce, Bloody Mary's wisconsin style, All day potato salad, and a few other dishes but those were the best. The all day potato salad was incredible, and I am not a potato salad fan! And last night I made the leap to big girl real cooking and bought a quality knife!!!!!!! I am delighted! This is supposed to be your first purchase for a well equipped kitchen and it has been the one I have put off the longest. Our knives wouldn't cut butter with ease so this is such a gift! Cutting the veggies for quiche tonight was a lovely experience! I feel so rich!!!

I have book club this evening, we are discussing Little Women. I made it to yoga today and then got to have coffee with a good friend so feel like this has been a very good day indeed, yoga, coffee, friends, kitchen time, good eats, and books...oh yeah it was a good day!!!

Seeking...

I am a work in progress. I am peeling off layers and finding the things I don't like in there and trying so very hard to weed them out and plant peace in their places. I fight the process. I try to shield it and not let it in. It hurts when you look at it and really see it. It is hard to see that you are not the gentle, loving, peaceful person you thought but someone human, who has hung onto bits of ick and grudges for years. That a bit of all past wrongs has been carried within you for a lifetime...things that didn't really matter then much less now...yet they have been part of you, shaped you, and lived within you...and that having to look at them give them a name and begin to let them go is so very hard. To continue to grow and learn in a new spiritual way is not easy but working toward peace and contentment in a world where that is very hard to find is needed and a necessity. And today I made a big first step looking at me...and feeling tears slip out as I focus and try to heal and try to leave behind and try to move forward and be a better person, more positive person, a more serene person, a person who can channel the negativity and put perspective into the world when sometimes it is the biggest thing missing...golden light, healing, powerful, centered...growing and learning and listening...thank you Michelle for being a stepping stone in the world for me.

Today...

After yoga, I want to come home and snuggle in, light some candles and incense, make some coffee or tea, and read...I want to explore the spirit and revel in the peace of my home...so today while doing such a thing (on the front porch), I felt a tickle on my leg, I was about to reach down and swipe away whatever the offender may be when I saw this dragonfly sitting there contentedly. He sat there long enough for my husband to grab me a camera...it felt like such a little gift to me in my quest for peace and spirit a little sign that I am on the right path! And it feels like I truly am. I didn't realize what an awesome fit yoga would be into my world and how many inner changes it would bring. I am trying to make peace with some of what has come to the surface and hope that with further practice the answer to the hows will come as well but for now I am very content to be right where I am!

I DID IT!!

In honor of the autumnal equinox, The Yoga Place hosted an evening of 108 sun salutations. So Gloria and I headed down to see if us newbees could even hope to make it through 108 salutations!!! And we did!!!! All 108!! No cheating just some sweat and some aches and wobbly legs, and a little wooziness! That is a lot of detoxing for those who do not know!!!

And much to my disappointment, John decided to shut down his blog. He is rash in that department and very all or nothing. So it isn't just a bad connection or link he is officially out of the blogging world. I am very sad that he will not be showing us his photo creations and his unique view of the world.

Eureka!!

Ok, so after reading The Yoga Journal for quite sometime and now even suscribing, and after doing a few introduction classes, and reading descriptions of yoga's benefits...and all the while nodding and going yes that is me, and yes that sounds like something I need, and yes I need that...I rolled up my dusty mat and went!!!!!!!! I decided that 10 dollars spent on something so wonderful just for me wasn't really such a splurge and that if my health finds a better life balance because of it then it was cheaper than a co-pay at the doctor and it was cheaper than eating out or buying a couple of coffees, so if I can't come up with this money on occasion then I need to reevaluate my budget because this is a need not a want!!!! I know because one hour of restorative yoga at The Yoga Place downtown was like geting an hour massage and finally put my word of the year "BREATHE" back into focus. And although this class was lighter on the yoga part and heavier on breathing (that word again!), I really feel I am onto something here. That this class coupled with a beginners yoga class and I may be able to find that person I think is still under the layers of ick...the one I still sometimes see in the mirror. And maybe just maybe this may be a healthier jump off point for me in all areas of my world. Because once you fix your insides the outsides also follow suit! But I do know for a fact that all change comes from me. And I am hoping that this euphoria isn't just a one hit deal and that I can not be my usual self and find the follow through and keep going! This is something that is important to every aspect of my world and I need to nurture it and quit pushing it aside and pretending it doesn't matter...it really, really does!! Thanks Gloria for helping me jump in! Sometimes I do need that push!!