Transitions

Transitions...I seem to finding them everywhere. Some really good bringing peace and contentment. Some I am fighting and digging in my heels with the utmost resistance. And some are just making me feel lonely and sad. I know this is life. And I know all the stuff going on isn't really much on the radar scope of life just blips. Little bits of life nothing compared to the stories of some but right now I have enough little blips to keep me hanging on.

And today a very dear friend of mine is retiring. I am happy for him. Glad he gets to relax and explore and move on. But I am really very sad. He and I have been friends for 16 years. We have been through so very many big life things together not to mention surviving that place called work. And today the person who has talked me off the proverbial ledge more times than I can count, is riding off into his sunset. It just feels like a loss.

So I am still here. Treading water and trying to find an even keel but right now I am not doing this gracefully I am tired, I am edgy, I am on the verge of tears...but I do know this is all good and it too will all pass and when I am through it all I hope I will have learned something from it and can find a bit of peace.

Being a grown up

No one tells you that being a grown up is such hard work. Once you feel like you have a really good groove going life throws you twists and turns and new paths and openings. Things you didn't know you wanted or could even be possible...things you can't wrap your head around and you have to make it work somehow. You have to find a way to keep yourself going down the path and not just stop and sit down in the middle of it and let it swirl all around you. Even though you really want to have a big ole two year old size tantrum in the middle of the path it is now your job to stand up dust yourself off and keep on following the twists to see where you will end up. No one will or can do it for you as much as you would like them to. And all you can do is believe with all you got that it is for a reason...that growth will come...that the a-ha moment is right around one of those bends...and try to keep breathing deep, light the incense, and bury yourself inside yourself to see what it all might mean...and be open to the idea there really is a reason in it all you just have to continue the journey to see the bigger picture...but sometimes just sometimes I think it might be nice to not be a grown up...

Seeking...

I am a work in progress. I am peeling off layers and finding the things I don't like in there and trying so very hard to weed them out and plant peace in their places. I fight the process. I try to shield it and not let it in. It hurts when you look at it and really see it. It is hard to see that you are not the gentle, loving, peaceful person you thought but someone human, who has hung onto bits of ick and grudges for years. That a bit of all past wrongs has been carried within you for a lifetime...things that didn't really matter then much less now...yet they have been part of you, shaped you, and lived within you...and that having to look at them give them a name and begin to let them go is so very hard. To continue to grow and learn in a new spiritual way is not easy but working toward peace and contentment in a world where that is very hard to find is needed and a necessity. And today I made a big first step looking at me...and feeling tears slip out as I focus and try to heal and try to leave behind and try to move forward and be a better person, more positive person, a more serene person, a person who can channel the negativity and put perspective into the world when sometimes it is the biggest thing missing...golden light, healing, powerful, centered...growing and learning and listening...thank you Michelle for being a stepping stone in the world for me.

Days...

Days are going by so very fast...Bronwyn is growing up faster than I can wrap my head around...she is changing in the way she carries herself, how she speaks, how she thinks...and ready or not here it comes...Ella is getting ready to start Kindergarten...my baby...real school...I am not ready for all this letting go yet I know it is truly just the beginning...I wish I could just hold onto it all for just a few minutes to truly absorb all of it...and to help this contemplative mood is our much cooler, breezier weather...I love, love, love these days...snuggle days, cardies and blankie days, coffee and tea days...candles and music days...reading and book days...hints of fall to come days!!!

And today I wander into the bathroom and out of the corner of my eye, I see little princess duck perched in just enough water to stay afloat...and I laughed...so unexpected, so darn cute, so never dull is our world...