tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-91053360628389384362024-02-06T21:27:14.540-08:00Musings From My Big Blue Comfy Couch...Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.comBlogger239125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-52858572539037549372015-11-17T09:02:00.001-08:002015-11-17T09:02:27.195-08:00Slow Down<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am not a Grinch. I love my holidays. I enjoy my seasons. But I find myself becoming bitter over the fast forward Christmas has taken in our world. I know what you will say to me, consumerism yada yada yada...but it isn't just businesses. I see people I know and like as humans posting pictures of their Christmas décor already on display. Might I note it is November! A house on the block over from us was all aglow with Christmas lights last night as well. Also local radio stations have begun their all Christmas music programming, one of the two I speak of started November 1st. Recently a friend sassed well change the station. Oh how I wish I could. I wish I could hit a worldwide pause button right now. I want to slow down the world. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">The world moves so fast anymore. Much of this is beyond our control. But I look at this one piece of life and say but this is. Just because corporations think we have to start Christmas in October along side Halloween doesn't mean we should buy in. Breathe, pause, and take some time to enjoy these days and hours of fall. Give each season it's due. Reminder that winter doesn't even begin till December 21st. And the twelve days of Christmas actually begin on December 25th and end on January 6th. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">I have a personal stake in this too. Some very big things happened in November! My Ella was born on Nov. 11th! My Dad celebrates the birth of the Marine Corps on Nov. 10th. And hello I got to come to be in this world on November 27th, thanks to some crazy hardwork on the part of my Mama! And Thanksgiving is there too, which as I age has become more of a day I enjoy, especially the idea of pausing and giving gratitude for this life we are blessed to live. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">So the idea that people are in such a hurry to get on with it and skip over all that is November hurts me. I want to relax into some peace before we jump with both feet over November and into what has become a bustling December. I want to enjoy, pumpkins, and the crunch of leaves, and the weather as it starts to change. I want to enjoy seeing my baby celebrate her Birth. I want to eat turkey and stuffing and pumpkin everything. I want to pause and focus on my gratitude for these hours and moments. I want to take time to say thanks for getting to be born myself. I simply want a pause button.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">I love the idea of December and the idea of Christmas holidays, in fact it is one of the times of year I enjoy being at home the most. I enjoy decorations and gifting and gathering with friends. I enjoy the music the movies and hot cocoa by the tree. But I enjoy those because they have a time and place in my world. They have their season. Their season is not right this moment I am pressing pause on it and stepping back to enjoy my November. I encourage you to do the same. Enjoy the seasons as they come slow yourselves down. Use your own pause button. Do not fast forward your lives!! </span>Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-41874367819584569642015-01-06T19:55:00.000-08:002015-01-06T19:55:21.656-08:00ConversationsTonight was a big night of conversations with my girls. I have found the hardest part of this parenting thing is the conversations. Not because talking to my kids has ever been a chore, but because I spend a lot of my time trying to not let them see my jaw drop. <br />
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I have always tried to be there for my girls no matter what. I feel those open ears are soooo important so they feel heard and know that any topic is open. I try to not jump to panic or give them the impression these topics are things to be uncomfortable about even though sometimes they are very far out of my comfort zone and I grasp for words. <br />
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Tonight was full of these things. There were relationship talks, maturation talks, there were talks about Ferguson, talks about government, talks about religion, talks about being a woman. Some of this was very hard. What do you say? How do you lead and answer things that sometimes truly do not make sense even to your much older self? <br />
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I feel like I repeat myself, and hope they do not think I am just paying them lip service to their very deep and serious thoughts. But the overall message I hope my girls take into their futures are that we have to be kind. No matter if your opinions are different you must respect the different paths and journeys others may be on. Respect for them does not mean agreement and that you cannot have your beliefs it just means you respect their humanness. I think the word humanness comes out of my mouth a lot in our talks. I think as a society we have lost that basic thing, we are all just that, human. We should be united in our humanness not so isolated and divided by it. By dropping titles and our own groupings and recognizing we share a grouping in being human I feel the world could grow to give all a voice and encourage that respect we all desire! I also think that if my girls see themselves as plainly as human that they can grow in acceptance and kindness. <br />
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This raising some very strong and opinionated girls is not for the light of heart. It stretches your very basic youness to try and step outside your long held prejudices or peeves to grow someone who can do big things in this lifetime. I tell them that all this change and injustice they perceive can only truly be changed by them and their generation. It is up to them to dump titles, respect differences, and treat people as humans and with kindness. Imagine if all the younger generations were able to do this? How very different our world would be. <br />
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Also in raising powerful women, I plant the seeds of what they should expect from relationships and dangers and how as women we have a lot to expect and change. The world still does not see women as equals and worthy of governing themselves. There are still bad boys amidst so many good who would want to lead them to harm. But I always tell them they are strong and powerful and they decide what happens. With hopes that is in fact true and they will never ever meet those bad boys. But I can't miss opportunities, not to kill innocence but to empower my growing women to recognize their importance and strength in this world that might not always treat them as such. <br />
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Am I doing this right?? I have no clue. Is there a right way? I have no clue. Am I amazed by their strength already? Yes I am. Do I hope that I had something to do with that? Yes I do. <br />
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So I leave you with the encouragement that talking is important. That leaving all topics open for exploration is huge, even if you truly have no answers. That celebrating being a human and celebrating kindness is the best thing I think we can give one another. My mind is very tired but I am so very glad for conversations! Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-37421733892251004732014-12-31T11:58:00.000-08:002014-12-31T11:58:48.997-08:00Word of 2014 and reflection...I am dusting off the blog today this last day of 2014. I crave words and have so much to say, so much to share, but I push it aside and trudge through this thing called life while it pools inside my head and heart. So today in all it's imperfections I come to share those words.<br />
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My word for 2014 was Devote. I am arriving at the end of this year feeling like I have failed every part of the goal of that word and it's deepest intention for me. I had set out with plans of devoting time to myself, my home, my financial health. But the year had other plans for me and I was soon derailed and the focus on anything more than putting one foot in front of the other was too much to ask. <br />
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I was actually writing about this in my real pen and paper journal the other day and found myself awash in tears. It came to me that in every facet of my being 2014 was truly about the word DEVOTE. Was it as I had idealistically planned with my New Year hopes and goals? Not in any way shape or form. But It was a year of complete devotion to someone who was so hugely important to me, my Aunt Ollie. <br />
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In the Spring last year we found out she in fact had cancer and that time was ticking. I had such hopes so many conflicting emotions of what this meant and how to proceed and what to pray and wish for. I was selfish, I wanted her and I wanted more. I was angry. I was hopeless. I felt helpless. I was given huge gifts that many can only hope for in this lifetime. And through this muck of emotions and fears and numbness there was devotion in it's purest of forms. So hidden from me that I didn't even know it was really there. That until I started peeling away all the layers of this year and the overall grief that is still very much there, that I could even see it. <br />
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I was devoted in my every action and part of my being to being there for my family. My mother, my Aunt Lorene (Aunt Ollie's other primary caregiver) and for my Aunt Ollie. I did whatever no matter how very small it felt or seemed to give myself to them all. For really that is all you have sometimes. Money can't fix it. Things are just that things. But your very being is all you have to offer. Your existence and the show of that existence is sometimes all that is required. Not sure I got that myself till this year. That we spend so much time saying well I can't afford to give anything never stopping to see that yes in fact you can, you have time, you have words, you have an existence that is enough. That your devotion to whatever strikes you to your very soul is enough. Showing someone that they are loved in there entirety. Showing those that work so hard when you can't that they matter is enough!! Because having been there this year, I can say that at the end of your days that is what truly matters. That you mattered enough that someone wants to give their time and hold onto you for whatever comes next. That someone wants to DEVOTE their time to you is the ultimate gift and one I hope I am worthy of when my days countdown in this life. <br />
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So sometimes life leads you to lessons you hoped truly to never have. That in my small focus of my me-ness I would never possibly have learned. When you put out there an intent you do not always get that the way you think but be careful the universe hears and gives you what you need. I doesn't always come in a pretty package though. <br />
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So with that being said next years word is HEAL. Walking through the last few hours of 2014 with hope of a better 2015. Less loss, less pain, less worry. Happy New Year to all!! <br />
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Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-85391900180559616652014-06-23T10:28:00.001-07:002014-06-23T10:28:59.750-07:00StuffI know "stuff" does not make a person. I realize that what you own or have owned is not what inherently makes you YOU. But as a "stuff" person I know how I treasure my things. How I surround myself with things I like to look at, with things that have meaning to me in a personal way. I know not everyone shares that love. The "simplify" trend across blog land and the Internet has been huge. But my "stuff" brings me joy and peace so I do not intend to simplify that out of my world.<br />
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Today, I was having lunch with the Irishman on the front porch and was audience to a house across the street being prepped to sell. When we moved to our home all those years ago we knew the lady who lived there. Her name was Betty and she was saucy and always on the go. Many years ago she moved to Florida with her son and we sadly had no further contact with her. Her house has stayed unoccupied all those years. Well sadly we have heard neighborhood word that she has passed on. And now there is an ongoing buzz across the road of cleaning out her "stuff". Today, this made me so very sad. So sad to think that she has been reduced to her memories and the things she held onto and surrounded herself with. That mean nothing to those doing the "cleaning". It has been dumpstered and now sits on the curb in boxes and piles. During our lunch many cars stopped by picking through her memories and carting them off. Which I guess is good that they go on with other people but just really made my heart hurt to watch them dig through all her things without ever knowing who she was and what they meant to her. And seeing them dig through to cart them off for profit not joy and love. The Irishman called them vultures which I think is apt. <br />
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So I came inside to my couch and my thoughts and my words. Trying to feel better about it. Trying to remind myself it is in fact only stuff. But it was HER stuff.(This is also why Estate sales are hard for me) There was a person attached to it all who is no longer. And for that I am sad. So I send out a little peace into the world to all the Bettys who brought me smiles and have moved on. Take time to touch base with your own Bettys!Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-91241799519001576132014-05-18T20:10:00.002-07:002014-05-18T20:10:18.299-07:00JoyA long while ago, my naturopath said I needed to do things that bring me joy. This weekend was full of just those things.<br />
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I took an asparagus class. <br />
I found a local restaurant doing food with passion and honoring food.<br />
I went to the Farmer's Market and got fresh roasted coffee, bacon and brats, asparagus, radishes and lettuce.<br />
I bought plants.<br />
I slept.<br />
I was gifted wonderful handmade things by these awesome people I live with.<br />
I got to ride my bike.<br />
I planted things.<br />
I baked and cooked.<br />
I got to jump rope.<br />
I got to sit on my front porch. <br />
I got to be in my space.<br />
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When I was riding my bike I felt like all I could do was smile like a big goof. It felt sooooo very good! It has been a while since my body has been able to cope with all this activity and I am grateful for today. Refreshing my mind, body, and spirit! <br />
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Hoping you all did things that brought you joy this weekend if not please make time to do so this week! You are important too!Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-16181540383231883252014-05-15T18:32:00.001-07:002014-05-15T18:32:23.885-07:00Not ReadyI have been intending to be in this space for so very long. I need words. I thrive when there is time for words. But life has kept me just hanging on doing one day at a time. Just getting through trying to be the best Mama, wife, friend, co-worker and person I can be. Sometimes I fail miserably at all the above. Sometimes like anyone else I have moments in which I feel I shine. <br />
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However what gets me in this space is a need for release of all that is in my head and heart. Do you ever have something you know is coming and is inevitable but you just are in no way ready nor will you ever be? But that thing will come. It will happen no matter how hard you pray, no matter how hard you try to laugh and smile, how hard you try to focus on something other. It is there. It is with you for the ride. <br />
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Growing up and getting older is hard. Not for what you might assume, appearances, wrinkles, aches and pains. But this being a big girl thing is hard in that those who have been so important to you through all those growing pains start to come to the end of their journeys. Their time is ending and you (hopefully) will continue on (or try to). <br />
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That is happening for me right now. I try not to think or feel because there are a wall of tears just waiting there. And I fear once they start they may never end. But my life goes on around me and I try to be ok. I try for my kids, my husband, my friends, my co-workers to keep moving forward with a decent (no way is it going to be good right now) attitude. But behind it all is the stark, painful fact that someone who is such a part of me is dying. She is checking off her list and getting ready and while I do not wish her pain and suffering I will never ever be ready for her to go. <br />
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I was gifted with a weekend with her last week. In which I got to tell her all the things I wanted her to know. I got to thank her and tell her how very important she has been in making me who I am today. I got to hold her, and take care of her, and laugh with her, and listen to her as she got things off her chest and cried. <br />
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I love this woman. I will always love this woman. I am now afraid for my phone to ring. I am now afraid for the next step. This isn't my journey but hers. I want her to have peace and light in her passing. I want her to breathe and be pain free. But oh how very much I wish for more time. <br />
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So please make the time. Find time to be with those that are important to you. Life is always busy, always full but don't regret that you didn't make it happen. Bridge gaps of distance and time and say the words and make sure those you love know you love them now not when it is too late!!!Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-24168877795297659722013-04-30T19:38:00.000-07:002013-04-30T19:38:32.450-07:00Manners... My Mom and Dad always told my brother and I that you do not talk about religion or politics in polite company. Of course being a kid, I was like "uh-ok" wondering why on earth you would ever want to talk about those things with anyone any way. I mean there was music and boys and clothes to discuss why would I want to talk about dry and boring religion and politics??<br />
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What happened to smart people like my parents? What happened to that value of relationships that you would leave hot topics alone? And more to the point why is this the basis of ending a relationship when you are twelve??<br />
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The past few weeks my lovely twelve year old has had the topic of religion, particularly hers, hit her hard in her core. She was approached by two "friends" of her little boyfriend and told that he was breaking up with her because she was an "atheist and the Bible prohibited them from being together." This passed and the little boyfriend defended her then, yet today he broke up with my girl. This I expected. They are 12. It is a reality not a shock. However, he told her he couldn't be with her because of her religion that it wasn't right what she believed. <br />
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I am really and truly upset by this. More so than my old soul of a child, who wisely said she didn't want to be with anyone ever that would hurt her like that and that they just weren't worth it. ( I still do not have this clarity she has.) First, I do not tolerate ignorance well. And these boys are spewing things they have heard elsewhere and have no idea of what they speak. My child is not an atheist. She is a seeker. She is finding her way on her OWN spiritual path. Not one that her Dad or I have chosen for her. She is talked to and her questions answered honestly. She is given opportunities to read and experience the world. She is taught morals, she is taught honesty, she is taught to treat others as she would like to be treated. She is a truly upstanding human. I to my core believe the world could use many more people like this young lady who is kind and giving and nurturing. This girl who stands up for others and takes on the world. Secondly, she does believe. The who, to me does not matter. The fact she has a connection to something bigger than herself and finds comfort in that is enough for me. That she feels drawn to her insides and what is in there and that she expresses those thoughts and emotions with respect for others is hugely important to me as her mother. Thirdly, it is absolutely no other students business what her religion is. It has absolutely nothing to do with them. Religion is so very personal how on earth can any of us say that the way you believe is wrong as long as that way is moral and honorable and harms no one else in the process??? Religion helps us find our way in this big, crazy world. It gives comfort for the all those things that do not make sense. It cannot be one size fits all as none of us are the same. <br />
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In my life, I am guilty of judging others, I believe it is a human condition, but I am working on it. I accept that other people might do and experience their world differently than I do, and overall I think that is a good thing, but as a type A I would love everyone to be me and agree with me!! However I am open to differences. I am open to those in this world who believe differently than I do. And I TEACH my children to never isolate someone based on those differences. So it really hurts me that in allowing her to grow into who she needs to be spiritually I have set her up to be out casted and attacked, by (this is me judging right now) those very people whose religion professes they should do none of these things. I have issue with selective practice. If you are going to talk the talk to someone I believe you should be walking the walk to use a cliche. If you are truly confident in your religion shouldn't you want to lift us up with it not shame us with it?? <br />
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When I talked to my sage child this evening, I said maybe in the future you don't tell them everything maybe you just agree so that you aren't a target...and she says "But that is a lie. I want people who accept me for who I really am." Out of the mouths of babes there is a truth. And I encourage you all to take the time to step back and begin to accept people. To stop taking what works for you and broad brushing the rest of us. For it is you who will lose out in the end by shutting out beautiful souls like my daughter, in her I see incredible things for the world. In her honesty and her maturity. I am holding out hope that one day someone really just amazing will see that in her and honor her for it as their partner. Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-39816754397595533222013-04-21T15:32:00.001-07:002013-04-21T15:32:57.886-07:00Heart stirred...There is something about music, specifically live music, that does something to my very soul. I know that sounds extreme and a little corny but I do truly mean it. I have such a visceral response to music played live. It rings to my core and makes me feel so many different things. The biggest is gratefulness that there are people who feel, and write, and play this music that touches something inside me. These people who are not superstars but still keep putting themselves out there for those of us seeking and wishing we had the the voice. These people who give us voice. <br />
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I drag my poor Irishman to so many events just to support these voices these talents these wonderful folks who do something I soooo cannot do. To show them their voices have importance. I am thankful there are musicians and that there are people who believe they have a place and a value. And that my little town actually draws talent and supports those who are on their journey to finding their voice. I am always in awe the talent that lurks at the end of my little street. The opportunities to discover voices and songs. To experience the package of the words, oh how I have always been a sucker for good words, and a tune. <br />
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I have always had music in my background growing up. My parents took us as kids to all kinds of live events. And also growing up Irish there is a tie to that sound to that art. There is an appreciation for songwriters and performers. How many afterhours events I was at where the shushing began early to show respect to the talent. You were NOT allowed to speak or distract from the performer who was giving of themselves in front of you. You were expected to give complete respect to the bravery and the gift. There is sooooo much of that lost here in America. So much lost from that. So little respect paid to people who give from their being to you. Whether it is your style or your genre there is a respect for that gift for that voice. To be in a place that allows for that expression and encourages it. To be an audience for something that really is bigger than what it seems. Music is a journey. A path through all that you experience during this human condition. It is there in the pain, the memory, the love, the lows, the highs, the silliness all that are this one life you live and share. To have that voice that direct connection to the spirit and to share that voice with others is beyond a gift. <br />
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I am ever, ever grateful that there are folks working to show us this path and lead us on this journey. Folks who work soooooo very hard to pull it together and fund this craft. And folks who make it easy for everyday folks like me to soar. Thank you musicians. Your importance in this world is often overlooked but it is my one woman quest to drum up support for your efforts and your voice.Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-67200147071365161022013-04-14T18:20:00.000-07:002013-04-14T18:20:13.374-07:00LossLoss...the world around me this week has been so full of loss that it has been hard to breathe. None of this loss has been mine or my family's gratefully. Yet the losses have been large and heartwrenching.<br />
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The kinds of loss that make you question your core and who you are and who you surround yourself with. Is it really important? Will it even matter after you are gone? What can I change now while I have time? What can I do differently?? How can I help these people in their grief? Is there anything at all that my small voice can do to help them heal and help them find peace? <br />
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How do these families move on in the world and still breathe and still find joy? How do they ever allow themselves to feel again?? Thankfully there has been time with my little family. Time to snuggle and giggle, although I have felt guilty doing so in the face of what all is going on for others. I have had my ladies close to me and held them and talked to them. And soaked up all that is good in our home. <br />
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I have lit candles. I have prayed. I have sent healing over and over and over hoping to impact some small relief on all those hurting hearts. And I have given thanks that we are all together in our space surrounding ourselves in us. So please for me, on this day, take time to breathe in your good. Be grateful for your now. Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-49548780466345795822013-03-12T11:15:00.000-07:002013-03-12T11:15:43.576-07:00Looking for the positive...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As our government battles itself over money that is imaginary and already spent, there are many people in many jobs hoping to survive. I and my Air Traffic Control counterparts being some of those people. <br />
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Yesterday, I received my official furlough notice. This was to tell me that between April and September of this year I will be off and therefore not paid for a total of eleven days. I will say now that I am grateful that I will continue to have employment and will continue to collect some of my paycheck. Yet I do not know too many people who enter into such a time without some worry. What shouldn't I do right now? What should I cancel? We also have to contend with, any days off we take during this period will be unpaid even if they are our guranteed by contract vacation time. This is hard. To know I will have to cancel that time. To say no to some escape. <br />
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But I am trying to spin this in my head, I am looking at it as some extra time in my home with my family. My healthy family... my family that bring me laughter... my family that bring joy bubbling up inside me... my home that needs my love... my home that needs my time... I am looking at this time as a potential gift for more of the things I put aside and put off. I am guessing that though the money will be missed now and in my retirement, that the time gained will be what I need that I just hadn't seen how much.<br />
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I am sending juju to the warring factions of our government that they make peace with one another and keep all of us working and productive and that they have this sorted so that this does not grow into something bigger. The impacts could be huge for us all. So please all learn to play nice and stop being so headstrong neither of you are 100% right and in between there is a common truth.Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-14810225887445199332013-03-03T19:36:00.004-08:002013-03-03T19:36:43.985-08:00Sunday...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I always had idealistic notions of what Sundays would be like as a family. Always imagined Sunday papers and sitting around reading and coffee and then filling traditional dinners where we all get to be together and leave refilled with conversation and comfort for the week ahead.<br />
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This year having weekends off like a real person, I am slowly discovering the beauty of Sunday. Today was perfect. We all stayed in our snuggly clothes, and had company in who we haven't gotten to spend a lot of time with, we snuggled in quilts and read, there was coffee, then I even found time in the kitchen to feed us. We gathered at our table for talks and giggles and touching base and prepping for the week ahead. <br />
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I am very blessed and content. Sunday is shaping up to be a really great day!Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-61128278211347133372013-02-20T18:48:00.001-08:002013-02-20T18:48:28.899-08:00Feelin' GoodI really can't explain how grateful I am right now. I went to yoga tonight, our community center has finally added yoga to it's fitness schedule. Thankfully, they hired an incredible teacher who really seems to love yoga and sharing it with us all. She is patient. She is calm. She is insightful. She is adaptive. <br />
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I have stumbled around in her class through some of the ick. And never quite come to a peace I was hoping for. But now there is this Wednesday night class which is a mix of all levels and the teacher embraces the middle of the work week eveningness of it and she is pampering us and nourishing us. <br />
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But tonight, she always asks if there is anything we need to work on and any tight spots or sore spots, I almost cried and must have glowed...tonight for the first time in my recent memory when I did a quick overall scan of my body, I could say nope. I FEEL GOOD!!! Me I said those words!! And I meant it! <br />
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So tonight's practice felt like a gift. I love the energy and the faces that come into that space. And I love that it is my little midweek gift to me. Thank you thank you thank you universe for putting this right at my doorstep. Yep me thinks health is a great word for my new year! I am on a comeback!! Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-40176929435526968542013-02-16T10:38:00.000-08:002013-02-16T10:38:25.826-08:00Coming Back<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It has been a long time since I have visited my little space. I would like to have more time here so with hopes of words to come I am back today. <br />
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I have been a little out of sorts for a while. My body seemed to have a tantrum and threw my groove. As I have said before life with pain is a challenge. You lose some of yourself and who you want to be in the world in the process. Mentally, it is like climbing a very big mountain with no equipment. <br />
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But I made steps, with nudges and encouragement from dear friends, and I am now in the process of working with a naturopath to fix me. And I must say it feels sooooo good to feel again. To want to laugh and be able to laugh and be able to see and hear and be touched by the world I move in. I am grateful to have hope and be on a path to peace and joy. I have things to do in this world and I am glad to be on a path that will give me a whole person to do them all.<br />
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This year I picked the word HEALTH for my word of the year. I see this as a very life encompassing word. My physical health, my mental, my financial, my home, my environment. I am forgiving myself and making time and budget to allow for the things I need to restore me to whole. I am opening myself to listening and awareness of my inner voice and my bodies needs. <br />
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I need to do soooo many things and add much more into my plan. When the pain came I lost my groove for exercise and am still trying to find my way back. Also my eating took a dive, when you don't feel good plans and food prep seem like Mt. Everest. But I am working on my patience and trying to see this as a journey not an instant gratification event. I am not good at this, never have been, I want results and yesterday, this thought needs to shift as well so I can truly be healthy. Right now, while I fix my taxed system and get it on the road to recovery, some things have to take a backseat to be added later. If you know me at all you know that slowing down is really not in my vocabulary. But I am trying to just accept it all day by day, moment by moment. <br />
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So far, I have made a schedule shift that has led me to less stress and more sleep. It also gave me back some things I was missing that brought me contentment and joy, think book club and kid time. I have been doing what will equate to 12 sessions, at 6 now of hydrotherapy come on organs kick it with me!! I have an infared sauna purchased to keep detoxing and healing this aching being I live in. I am being choosy about who gets my time and when I say yes. (This will continually be a work in progress). I have gotten my behind back on my yoga mat at least once a week, this needs to increase but see baby steps. I am making goals to get at least 30min of exercise of varied forms into my daily routine, right now that is inconsistent but trying to not "Sheila" it and let it happen. I have added supplements (yes I always protested ingesting any extra into my body I am learning) and so far I feel like they have made me a much improved unit. I have also added green juice back into my daily life. I have goals for meal planning, dry brushing, and finding even more quiet and reflection time, also watching for any opportunity to laugh. My new question for myself is, "is this healthy for me? Does it do anything to promote my goal of health??"<br />
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I want to really express my gratitude to all the friends and family that have stayed by my side still seeing me and who I am when I did not. All of you who have lifted me up and loved me any way even when I really couldn't return the favor, you are all so beyond incredible. I am blessed to have so many people who truly love me. Also thanks to the universe who has thrown the right people in my path on this process old and new. <br />
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So let me tell you, no matter what you have going on there is a way. There is a path for you, you just have to pay attention and listen to yourself to find it. My wish for you is that you surround yourselves in gentle thoughts and realize moment by moment is still forward movement and I am proud of you!! <br />
Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-89450869540682958612012-10-15T19:49:00.000-07:002012-10-15T19:51:43.655-07:00The Power of We, Blog Action Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Ok I am arriving late to the game today, I almost scrapped it and did not post for Blog Action Day but this post has been running around in my head since I re-upped for the even this year so it had to find it's place.<br />
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For me the power of we was recently gifted to me from an unlikely source, Facebook. Yes you read that correctly, as social media site gave me and my Monkey Baby (she is now 8 and no longer a baby but <em>IS </em>very similar to a guy called Curious George) a feeling of being lifted up, when life had trampled us a bit. I discovered that we are all truly part of a village. That it takes a "we" to get through this crazy thing called life with all it's ups and it's downs as we navigate our paths. <br />
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After the first week of school, said Monkey Baby said she needed to talk to me. This talk ended up with tears and her telling me of how she is made fun of in school for basically every reason that makes her the completely awesome, unique Monkey Baby that our little corner of the world has come to love. She was hurt to her core. And with her story and her words so in fact was I as her Mama. I couldn't fix it. I could not protect her heart from this very sad right of passage of growing up. We talked and talked. We came up with ideas and things for her to do, try, and plans for what happens next. <br />
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(Monkey Baby)<br />
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Once my yummy was in bed, I felt soooo lost. I felt like I was stumbling alone through this tunnel called parenthood. So I turned, as do many of us, to FB and I told our little tale, threw it out to the masses. What happened over the next few days was a source of healing and comfort to my Mama's heart. Messages from people I knew casually and those I had known for what seems like ever. Everyone unique in their approach and content. Some had stories of self, some were cheering her on to keep being her, some sent songs, some sent quotes. But it was what has come to be known as an outpouring. And most of the people sending messages to my little lady did not know her personally. But they pulled together to support and in effect protect my little person from the sad fact of bullying. I felt like these people pulled together and built us a safety net. They reach out to me and her and showed that there is more and that we in our little corner of the world are NOT alone. I read these messages to her and played her the songs and she smiled and said "I think they like me." I still believe these messages pulled her through. They buoyed her bouncy spirit and put her back onto her track in this world of blazing trails not just following them.<br />
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I do believe that we are a village. That despite miles and the busyness that our lives now hold that we are there for each other when the chips are down. I think we lose sight and it gets eclipsed in the fast of our world now. But I know that the power of we is still here and is very strong!! And I am grateful for my crazy little village of people watching our for me and my family. Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-49162693985920215002012-08-14T20:59:00.001-07:002012-08-14T20:59:22.930-07:00Still more to do...a list...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So a blog is expected...yet I find my life lately is run more by lists...things that I have to do, things I NEED to do, and things I want to do...unfortunately they do not always overlap and this thing called time is elluding me this summer...<br />
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-Girls' vaccination<br />
-E's bug fair<br />
-Keep shovelling girls' room<br />
-Work, this get's in the way of the need and want to lists and sadly falls on the have to<br />
-BOATING<br />
-Demolition Derby date at the Fair<br />
-Massage<br />
-Relay wrap up picnic (this also sadly falls on my Anniversary and is a have to definitely not a want to)<br />
-Throw stuff away (think major scale basement and bedrooms)<br />
-Get supplies for girls' room redo<br />
-Redo girls' room<br />
-Reclaim house<br />
-Eat better<br />
-Use up pantry stockpile<br />
-Get back to exercise regularly (see above list to know why this will be setting myself up to fail)<br />
-Get ladies signed up for class <br />
-Pick up B's schedule while she is gone<br />
-Weed the sad little flower beds<br />
-Go to the bank and daydream a bit bigger<br />
-Have at least one morning on the porch with coffee and a book while ladies are away<br />
-Breathe (yes sadly this has to be on the list sometimes)<br />
-Discover my meditation spot (this makes me laugh...as it is a New Year's goal)<br />
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Sigh and sadly think this goes on and on...maybe the house will at least look like a home not a dump site, and maybe just maybe I might have some time on water again...just not sure this is ever going to happen so back to the Breathe command...Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-7927313297644777472012-07-17T12:15:00.001-07:002012-07-17T12:15:46.960-07:00It shouldn't be<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So my lovelies and I escaped up to Beulah for our annual Beach Bum trip up north. It is our one TRUE vacation and we love to just lay around and play in the water and the sand, ohhhh the sand I do believe we brought home an entire beach in the truck. <br />
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Of course being away from home, we had to stop at the grocery store for supplies, we got in a checkout lane behind a cute little, very tiny old lady who reminded me immensely of my Grandma in Tennessee. The cashier had finished ringing her order and it appeared she was using a Bridge Card or some other public assistance...the little old lady was telling the cashier, "Oh no. He said I can only buy essentials and I cannot go over..." the cashier and bag boy were wonderful and said no problem we can help get the total down, what do you not want...<br />
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At this point, the little old lady was handing her back toilet paper and bleach...that was as far as I let it go, I whispered to the cashier and asked her how much is she short, she blanched a little afraid to tell me, it was twenty four dollars and some change. I said put her stuff back in her bags I will pay the difference. The cashier seemed surprised but touched, the little old lady had no idea anything had happened the bag boy helped her out with ALL her groceries, and the cashier started to cry and I had goosebumps. All I could imagine was my Grandma and how she could have used someone to watch out for her and how I wish it could have been me but the world didn't work out like that then. But in this one moment, for the price I would have paid for a vacation t-shirt, a little old lady didn't have to pick between food and toilet paper. And I had a chance to remember my Grandma and show my girls that there are small ways to reach out and make a difference you just have to be open and listening and grateful for what you have and where you get to be. Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-10888063003817905912012-04-29T14:10:00.000-07:002012-04-29T14:10:34.527-07:00Pain<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I am guessing and hoping, that most of you have very little pain in your lives. That you do not know the feeling of chronic aching. I unfortunately do.<br />
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I am not a complainer. I feel like admitting to my pain is admitting to defeat. I feel like it is an excuse. And I do NOT tolerate whining and excuses as a person and even in my work. But I feel like there needs to be words. Something to shed a little light on what my world is like daily. <br />
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The past week has been one of the bad ones. I feel like there are not words enough to explain it all. But imagine every joint on your body, and it aches soooo completely that it feels like the pain will bust through the skin and your joint will explode. It hurts allover in such a way, you cannot settle, there is no position, not one thing you can do in a day that gives relief which leaves you feeling antsy and edgy. I have days where I would like to just pace but I can't do that without drawing attention to my discomfort. My work requires a lot of sitting still. My body hurts into the bones. It is distracting at best. I feel like bawling most days, but I do not. I take ibuprofen like M&M's because despite it's minimal effect is the only thing I can take and work. <br />
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I have no diagnosis. In fact most people treat you like an attention seeker if you mention being in pain. They brush you aside and say things like "keep going it will get better". When in fact that is completely not true. I say this not as a pessimist but as a realist who is living in this body. You also get the look from people if you mention hurting that suggests you should "put your big girl panties on and deal with it". As much as I wouldn't wish this on any person ever, I frequently wish everyone I know could feel for even five minutes what this feels like. How hard it is to keep going and not give in. How when I make it to the gym I feel like a superhero. How when I keep going after a day of sitting at work and do things with kids and make dinner I feel like I have kicked some butt. <br />
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I have tried allergy diets IE gluten free and vegan diets with no sugar, I have had physical therapy for various portions of my aching person, I have essential oiled my person, I go for regular massages, I exercise including yoga 5 days a week (despite some added pain I wouldn't be able to move without it), I have had acupuncture, I have saunaed...and there is very little on that list that has made a dent in my outcome. <br />
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I am scared. I am 41 years old. My body feels like it hates me. I get through my days by what feels like sheer miracles. What happens as I age? This has been my youth now what happens? I hide it well. I keep going and keep doing but I find it is getting harder to patch it all over and function. <br />
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So if you see someone, and you think "wow they are grouchy" or "what is wrong with them" or "wow they are lazy" take a second and just allow for a moment that maybe they aren't all those things. That maybe they are doing their absolute best to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to hold it all together. And maybe we should lift them up instead of add to their issues. And to those of you with chronic pain I send you my hugs and cheers!Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-83893887582793696132012-04-24T17:39:00.001-07:002012-04-24T17:39:57.835-07:00Heartaches<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I made my journey north today...<br />
I love it up there. As soon as I get off the main highway and start towards my destination, I begin to breathe. My shoulders actually come down out of my ears and I feel a grin begin on my face. I love that drive. The twists, the turns, the trees, the water, all bringing me closer to the beach.<br />
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I had a list of nearly 8 houses to see, however many were already taken, so I got to see 3. One was beyond bad so made it's way right off the list. The other two gave me a problem, the one that I can afford, that would work, was not the one that made my heart sing (isn't that always the way). The one that did was old, quirky, and had all the hopes I have for my runaway place (well aside from the outside that needs paint or siding). But it is out of my reach by a bit.<br />
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After, I went to Crystal Beach to find it under repairs as they prepare for the season, so I meandered my way over to Frankfort and found some solace in a latte and croissant and a walk on the beach. But looking at the water, and hearing the waves made my heartache. It hurts me so very deeply to have to leave the beach and the water. An ache like none I have ever known. I feel almost breathless and unable to breathe when I have to think about leaving and driving away. Today there were tears. I am ever grateful I live somewhere where I can access such beauty easily. But I ache for more. I want this to be part of my world. I have to believe that it will be. That I will have a spot to runaway to and breathe and refill. Where my big day will include walking along the water and feeling like a lottery winner when I find a piece of beach glass AND a heart-shaped rock. These are the simple things that I soooooo want in this world. <br />
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I wish my Irishman understod this more. That he could feel even for a few minutes how my heart feels when I stand there and breathe it all in and more importantly how it feels when I have to leave. This want to be up North is more than just a whim. It is something I feel to my core. The water calls me. And now I have to start listening for possible answers...<br />
<br />Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-22596977166932857152012-04-23T11:13:00.000-07:002012-04-23T11:13:05.452-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I am daydreaming...<br />
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I really, really, really want what I call a runaway place. <br />
I want to have a place where I can be and destress.<br />
I can be at a beach in 10 minutes.<br />
I can wander little shops.<br />
I can hike some trails.<br />
I can have my coffee by some water.<br />
I can have girlfriends come and just be and relax and giggle.<br />
I can have an outdoor bathtub.<br />
I can paint and hunt for furniture.<br />
I can plant more.<br />
I can unplug and breathe.<br />
I can visit farms and farmers.<br />
I can sit and just watch the world go by. <br />
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So tomorrow I am taking another leap of faith, I think this is how all my life has been lived, which means I will never ever die rich but I will have really have had a life worth living. And I am going up to Beulah (one of my favorite little places on the planet) and meeting a realtor to see if maybe this can be more than a daydream. <br />
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I have had a board on Pinterest for a while willing it all to be so...<br />
<a href="http://pinterest.com/lahinch89/when-i-get-my-runaway-place-ideas/">http://pinterest.com/lahinch89/when-i-get-my-runaway-place-ideas/</a><br />
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Which of course my runaway place will not look like for quite some time because there is a reality to it that my place will be cheap and in need of love...but it will be my retreat!! Healing, sand, water, breathing, soul space!! Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-86151264291246213842012-04-22T13:59:00.001-07:002012-04-22T13:59:26.674-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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See that guy??? <br />
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He did the unthinkable!!! He got me a nap today! He made me a toasted sandwich, some coffee, tucked me in under the best blankies ever on the couch and took our lovelies to the park for a while!! And I am pretty sure I snored! Sleep is the one thing I do not get enough of ever, ever, ever and any extra bits of it I can find are like the ultimate gift! I think mommies in general are forever behind in the sleep department. So I had my decadent little nap and am hoping to not snore through yoga now! Thanks Irishman!Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-32831845107305908082012-04-19T08:14:00.002-07:002012-04-19T08:14:35.059-07:00HealthyI have been missing for a bit. Life just felt busy. Too busy to focus on me and words and thoughts. But now it is Spring and I am making changes. I got a new haircut and with that I am deciding that is going to mark my shift to focus a little more on being healthy. Healthy and strong not just numbers and sizes. I am going to embrace the small steps even if it means I carve out 20 minutes of exercise in a day that looks like there will be none. Even if it means I add more water to my day. Even it means I take time to journal or meditate or pause... <br />
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Life is busy. A good busy. Life is a beautiful adventure. During this adventure, you just have to pause to take care of yourself, which I have always been bad at. I am going to grow up to be strong!!! Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-69083795246190940902011-12-18T11:09:00.000-08:002011-12-18T11:09:34.957-08:00Tis the Season...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Tis the Season...<br />
As you wander through our home, there are projects in every nook and cranny. All in various stages of completion. Will they be finished? Will we make it in time? Should we all worry that our cards are laying in a pile unposted? That the Christmas Cake is still a recipe on the computer? That the family pictures have yet to arrive? That two gifts haven't arrived in the mail yet? That the Commander in Chief of the Elves is sick and dizzy? <br />
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Even with the delays...I am proud of my elves...and despite the messes in every room and my company coming by on Tuesday...I am ever proud that my Elves choose to make gifts and make some more. That they think to give and give from their hands and hearts. I love seeing the stray crayons and markers, the letters begun on the old typewriter, the holiday books open and being read, the glitter glue in use and projects drying everywhere. I am grateful that my eldest little elf has embraced wrapping and is taking care of me this year. I am grateful that my smallish elf has been singing to me and often. <br />
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Wishing you and yours a season of handmade gifts and tasty goodies made from the heart!! Happy Holidays all!!Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-36535715544912127552011-11-24T08:23:00.001-08:002011-11-24T08:38:13.173-08:00Thankful...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I am ever thankful on this day for...<br />
-My body which is healthy and strong and allows me to enjoy this beautiful life.<br />
-My two ladies who bring me smiles and inspire me with their words and creativity.<br />
-Food! Having enough, being able to spend time feeding those I love, and knowing where it came from.<br />
-Music. It inspires, it comforts, it is a gift...thanks to all who share their talents.<br />
-Farmers who provide healthy, responsibly farmed foods for my family to flourish and enjoy.<br />
-My home that I am ever thankful to have. The security and warmth it provides us all. Sanctuary.<br />
-Water, being able to share the love of it with those I love, being fortunate enough to be on it in some way.<br />
-My Irishman. He nourishes me and lifts me up. His talent and artistry astound me and how he captures<br />
our little place in this world and this life we are making.<br />
-Books. Sharing this love with my family is a gift.<br />
-Kindness of strangers. Every now and then people show you that there is good in the world still. This <br />
year that came in the form of apples.<br />
-Laughter and giggles. Silliness and the lightness that brings is the ultimate blessing. There is nothing<br />
more beautiful than the sound of a fit of giggles!!!! <br />
<br />
May you all have a day full of those things that make you grateful and never forget how amazing life really is!Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-45871972038654423332011-11-22T17:30:00.001-08:002011-11-22T17:40:12.038-08:00Heartaches<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My heart aches. Please don't ask why. I still haven't sorted it all out to know why and how. Given the big life stories being lived and survived around me, I have no room for the blues. Yet here they still are. And my heart feels like it is cracking. Who am I kidding breaking completely in two... My hand still cramps from the journalling, my phone is filling with sad songs (making me seem like a mooning teenager not a grown woman), my want to walk far and fast is back (weather not cooperating with me on this one), candles have been lit and relit, prayers have been said, meditation has been avoided, junk food has been consumed, alcohol has been purchased for drowning if need be...just truly unsure how to let it go when I am not sure why it is there. What do I need to learn??? What do I need to see? Why am I here? I am out of wit. I am out of sarcastic asides. I am quite a bit lost. <br />Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9105336062838938436.post-16967954926273739792011-11-21T11:30:00.001-08:002011-11-21T11:33:51.928-08:00Shadows around our home<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I am in love with the way light plays and shadows dance in our home. Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16498596017278055501noreply@blogger.com0