Pain

I am guessing and hoping, that most of you have very little pain in your lives.  That you do not know the feeling of chronic aching.  I unfortunately do.
 
I am not a complainer.  I feel like admitting to my pain is admitting to defeat.  I feel like it is an excuse.  And I do NOT tolerate whining and excuses as a person and even in my work.  But I feel like there needs to be words.  Something to shed a little light on what my world is like daily. 

The past week has been one of the bad ones.  I feel like there are not words enough to explain it all.  But imagine every joint on your body, and it aches soooo completely that it feels like the pain will bust through the skin and your joint will explode.  It hurts allover in such a way, you cannot settle, there is no position, not one thing you can do in a day that gives relief which leaves you feeling antsy and edgy.  I have days where I would like to just pace but I can't do that without drawing attention to my discomfort.  My work requires a lot of sitting still.  My body hurts into the bones.  It is distracting at best.  I feel like bawling most days, but I do not.  I take ibuprofen like M&M's because despite it's minimal effect is the only thing I can take and work. 

I have no diagnosis.  In fact most people treat you like an attention seeker if you mention being in pain.  They brush you aside and say things like "keep going it will get better".  When in fact that is completely not true.  I say this not as a pessimist but as a realist who is living in this body.  You also get the look from people if you mention hurting that suggests you should "put your big girl panties on and deal with it".  As much as I wouldn't wish this on any person ever, I frequently wish everyone I know could feel for even five minutes what this feels like.  How hard it is to keep going and not give in.  How when I make it to the gym I feel like a superhero.  How when I keep going after a day of sitting at work and do things with kids and make dinner I feel like I have kicked some butt. 

I have tried allergy diets IE gluten free and vegan diets with no sugar, I have had physical therapy for various portions of my aching person, I have essential oiled my person, I go for regular massages, I exercise including yoga 5 days a week (despite some added pain I wouldn't be able to move without it), I have had acupuncture, I have saunaed...and there is very little on that list that has made a dent in my outcome. 

I am scared.  I am 41 years old.  My body feels like it hates me.  I get through my days by what feels like sheer miracles.  What happens as I age?  This has been my youth now what happens?  I hide it well.  I keep going and keep doing but I find it is getting harder to patch it all over and function. 

So if you see someone, and you think "wow they are grouchy" or "what is wrong with them" or "wow they are lazy" take a second and just allow for a moment that maybe they aren't all those things. That maybe they are doing their absolute best to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to hold it all together.  And maybe we should lift them up instead of add to their issues.  And to those of you with chronic pain I send you my hugs and cheers!

Eureka!!

Ok, so after reading The Yoga Journal for quite sometime and now even suscribing, and after doing a few introduction classes, and reading descriptions of yoga's benefits...and all the while nodding and going yes that is me, and yes that sounds like something I need, and yes I need that...I rolled up my dusty mat and went!!!!!!!! I decided that 10 dollars spent on something so wonderful just for me wasn't really such a splurge and that if my health finds a better life balance because of it then it was cheaper than a co-pay at the doctor and it was cheaper than eating out or buying a couple of coffees, so if I can't come up with this money on occasion then I need to reevaluate my budget because this is a need not a want!!!! I know because one hour of restorative yoga at The Yoga Place downtown was like geting an hour massage and finally put my word of the year "BREATHE" back into focus. And although this class was lighter on the yoga part and heavier on breathing (that word again!), I really feel I am onto something here. That this class coupled with a beginners yoga class and I may be able to find that person I think is still under the layers of ick...the one I still sometimes see in the mirror. And maybe just maybe this may be a healthier jump off point for me in all areas of my world. Because once you fix your insides the outsides also follow suit! But I do know for a fact that all change comes from me. And I am hoping that this euphoria isn't just a one hit deal and that I can not be my usual self and find the follow through and keep going! This is something that is important to every aspect of my world and I need to nurture it and quit pushing it aside and pretending it doesn't matter...it really, really does!! Thanks Gloria for helping me jump in! Sometimes I do need that push!!