Pain

I am guessing and hoping, that most of you have very little pain in your lives.  That you do not know the feeling of chronic aching.  I unfortunately do.
 
I am not a complainer.  I feel like admitting to my pain is admitting to defeat.  I feel like it is an excuse.  And I do NOT tolerate whining and excuses as a person and even in my work.  But I feel like there needs to be words.  Something to shed a little light on what my world is like daily. 

The past week has been one of the bad ones.  I feel like there are not words enough to explain it all.  But imagine every joint on your body, and it aches soooo completely that it feels like the pain will bust through the skin and your joint will explode.  It hurts allover in such a way, you cannot settle, there is no position, not one thing you can do in a day that gives relief which leaves you feeling antsy and edgy.  I have days where I would like to just pace but I can't do that without drawing attention to my discomfort.  My work requires a lot of sitting still.  My body hurts into the bones.  It is distracting at best.  I feel like bawling most days, but I do not.  I take ibuprofen like M&M's because despite it's minimal effect is the only thing I can take and work. 

I have no diagnosis.  In fact most people treat you like an attention seeker if you mention being in pain.  They brush you aside and say things like "keep going it will get better".  When in fact that is completely not true.  I say this not as a pessimist but as a realist who is living in this body.  You also get the look from people if you mention hurting that suggests you should "put your big girl panties on and deal with it".  As much as I wouldn't wish this on any person ever, I frequently wish everyone I know could feel for even five minutes what this feels like.  How hard it is to keep going and not give in.  How when I make it to the gym I feel like a superhero.  How when I keep going after a day of sitting at work and do things with kids and make dinner I feel like I have kicked some butt. 

I have tried allergy diets IE gluten free and vegan diets with no sugar, I have had physical therapy for various portions of my aching person, I have essential oiled my person, I go for regular massages, I exercise including yoga 5 days a week (despite some added pain I wouldn't be able to move without it), I have had acupuncture, I have saunaed...and there is very little on that list that has made a dent in my outcome. 

I am scared.  I am 41 years old.  My body feels like it hates me.  I get through my days by what feels like sheer miracles.  What happens as I age?  This has been my youth now what happens?  I hide it well.  I keep going and keep doing but I find it is getting harder to patch it all over and function. 

So if you see someone, and you think "wow they are grouchy" or "what is wrong with them" or "wow they are lazy" take a second and just allow for a moment that maybe they aren't all those things. That maybe they are doing their absolute best to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to hold it all together.  And maybe we should lift them up instead of add to their issues.  And to those of you with chronic pain I send you my hugs and cheers!

Blissed Out Posse

I recently had a friend who was angry and in the process of departing our circle of friends, who in agitation said "you and your blissed out posse". At first I was hurt, as anyone who is being left by a friend of many years would be, but in retrospect I rolled that phrase around in my head and found I liked it. I liked it a lot. I kind of think it is a pretty awesome thing to be part of a "Blissed Out Posse". I mean how many people nowadays find much bliss? How many give themselves over to happy? Far too few in my very humble opinion.

And as I thought about the women who make up this posse, I am awed and blessed to call each of them my friend. How fortunate I am in this busy, crazy, negative world to find these ladies seeking to be the best them they can be. Ladies who would open their arms and take you in if that is what you needed, ladies who support each other, ladies who nuture each other, ladies who will feed you mentally and literally, ladies who provide each other with a safe place to blossom, ladies who find the importance to take time out to giggle, and dance and be a little goofy. As moms, daughters, friends, girlfriends, wives, career women, domestic engineers...you can get lost in all those roles and titles and lose sight of who you were and where you wanted to be going. So if I can say, I think being in a Blissed Out Posse should be a goal for everyone.

When was the last time you felt or recognized bliss? For me it comes in stolen small moments. The smell of coffee...bliss

Good music, candles, incense and a book to read...bliss

The smell of dinner cooking...bliss

The feel of snuggling into the blankies for an afternoon nap...bliss

The feel of a hot cup of tea in my favorite mug...bliss

Taking a walk and seeing and feeling the season...bliss

Losing myself in yoga...bliss

Laughing like I was five over goofy humor with silly friends...bliss

Dancing like I am 20 and not worrying about the world...bliss

So it comes even in little forms... and sometimes it is your perspective and how you slant your world that bring it. I think everyone, especially us girls, need a time out for some bliss. Life isn't or shouldn't always be analyzing and dissecting and looking for problems and placing blame and well a job or chore...sometimes it just needs a little carefree bliss.

So to my Posse thank you for loving me and supporting me and giggling with me. To those of you outside our group...you are always welcome but you must love laughter, goofiness, and have a little peace for yourself... And to you who left, thank you for showing me my blessings.

Away...reaching...faith...

These two lovely ladies have been gone almost a week. They went on adventures with their Grandparents in Indiana. It is so hard letting them go away. Especially, when you are left in the space they normally fill. They fill our lives with stories, questions, adventure, frustrations, growth, and most of all laughter. So when they are gone (which isn't often!!) it leaves our home with a completely different energy and it takes this Mama a few days to ease into that feeling. Ease being a nice way of putting sadness and tears. As mothers, we all dream of a break. You know of days of lounging and self indulgence...yet when those days are gifted to us it feels like something is missing and it takes a bit of fumbling around to stop trying to fill it all up and settle into the abnormal quiet in our home. I had visions of reading ( a lot) of wine and chocolate and romantic dinners with the Irishman...but I have not found those moments (more due to working during the week really than not seizing the moments) but it is the romantic notions of what to do with the time...and then here we are two days from their return and I sit just trying to breathe it in and soak up the peace...but that peace still doesn't feel complete without them here...who knew that my peace in the world was no longer a quiet place but one filled with shouts, questions, snarky comebacks, running, singing, and shuffling...

Now onto the other thing that has been occupying my very busy mind... I have been looking at some big life change. I am a huge chicken in the world of change. I do not take chances. I do not take large leaps of faith. I like it ordered. I am a worst case scenario planner. I cling to the security of what I already know. I do not gamble. Yet I am looking at a big leap. I have been told "Oh you will never do it..." Which, in the the past I think would have been very true!! But something in me has changed too...I am starting to believe I may just be able to take the leap. That I really am good enough to succeed. That I have the power to get what I want and need in the world to fill me up on all levels of my world. That I really can put us all in a good place for growth and discovery. I would be lying if I said this didn't make me scared though. I mean all the huge things that come with it all...you know big life change doesn't come neatly wrapped with a lovely bow and gift wrap!! It comes in faith and belief and listening to all the inner voices that say what you may not want to hear because sometimes those voices are shouting for you to let go of your comfort zone and try it!!

The Irishman and I are not flighty folks who put too much stock in signs and cosmos interference. But right now you would have to be blind, deaf, and dumb to think the world wasn't trying to pave this path for us right now. And quite frankly it FREAKS me out!!! Randomly and everywhere we turn...on labels, on TV, in overheard conversations in stores and parties...it is there... I really feel that if we turn our back on it all the universe will give up on us completely...throw up it's hands and say "I sent you the boat..."

So, I am trying to make sense of it all. I am trying to start taking the steps to follow the signs. And I am woken early in the morning thinking of the magnitude of it all. My thoughts are full with what ifs? and how do I's? And now that I have let in the possibility of it all how do I cope if it doesn't happen? How do I get through that feeling? I don't open up to hope easily so when I do it could be a hard fall if all the steps and daydreaming and making lists in my head end up being for nought. And with this possibility how do I not live my life at arm's length till it all sorts itself out? And what this comes back around to is me being so very bad at living with balance. Keeping all things even and level and peaceful inside myself have never been a personality strong point for me. All or nothing kind of girl I think, which as with everything has its pros and cons. I am a work in progress! So my head is full and my heart is hopeful, and I am a ball of emotions of all sorts. I will just keep listening to the voice and see where life takes me. I still have to work on the faith part of the equation though. The idea it will all be okay and work out just as it should is so hard for me but I will keep working on it. Think that may be why my "word" for the year was LET GO!!!! Sigh...

Just a glimpse

Amazingly enough they are sharing all that I hold dear in the world...reading, biking, gardening...here is keeping my fingers crossed hoping they don't forget the basics as they grow and change. Hoping they remember the importance of home, family, earth, and exploration. And hoping they always feel how much they are loved!!!