Grateful

I am part of a Shutterfly group in support of a woman I have never met. Her name is Lanie and she is in the last stages of Breast Cancer. Today she posted her update and I am left with very little words. I am in awe of all the strong, brave people who keep trying to just have one more month, one more week, or even one more day. The people who never give up. As she said she is not fighting to save her life but to squeak out a little more time... and then I thought how very often I find myself taking for granted all those things I CAN do. I find my focus slips into the negatives "I don't feel well", "my hip hurts", "my back aches"... but I have time. I have a seemingly infinite amount of time in front of me. Then this brave woman I have never known points out that I am wasting that time really. I can walk to the kitchen, I can focus, I can think, I can read, I can breathe without pain, I can plan!!!, I can reasonably hope to see my children grow up, I can wrap my hands around a cup of coffee and breathe. I have the luxury of knowing I can do it all again tomorrow. I know the sore throat will heal the aches will subside and that I can LIVE with very little effort on my end I get the gift of life!! So today I am grateful for every breath and every step and am sitting on my comfy couch breathing in the candles, having a piece of chocolate, and a hot cup of coffee and thanking every single thing in the universe that has allowed me to do so. I send my hopes and prayers to Lanie and her family and hope she finds that bit more time, quality time that she can get in one more squeeze with her boys and her husband and that she can have one more day to smile. So raise your mug and be ever thankful that you are and that you can....

Water...

This is me and I NEED to be near water!!

It touches my soul...

It makes me a nicer person...

And it brings me peace to my very core...

Now I am wrestling with not if I will live by water but when and how and where...I will. I am putting it out there Universe now listen up and hand this over to me I need it! It makes my heart hurt to think I can't be on or near water right now...but I am looking at my options and trying to figure out what in my big head full of dreams is our best option as a family. But there will be WATER!! Oh yes there will!

Snuggle up day...

Today the skies have opened...the gray has set in for a spell...the winds are blustery...and I command ye all to snuggle in the softest, coziest quilt you own (older is definitely better for this occasion), light a few gently scented candles, gather your journal, your favorite book, and a hot cup of liquid (your choice I suggest a sumatran or a double bergamont earl grey), and curl yourself up into your most favorite nesting spot and indulge the senses in all things peaceful...listen to the rain splatter, the winds chime or put on the music that makes you daydream! You are under orders so do not miss this opportunity...settle in relax and restore!!

Feed me...

There are people in the world that feed you...both literally and figuratively. They make you reach higher, they fill you with light, they heal you, they just love you in your entirety whatever that might be. Well I am fortunate that two of those people in my life came to my house today to share our Christmas. We had waffles with fried apples and roasted walnuts and almonds, tea and coffee and curled up on the couch and opened pressies and listened to lovely music as the incense filled the air with the scent of peace. I find these two always feed my spirit. They pick gifts that remind me through the year what I want in my world. The feeling of peace and contentment I so crave. And they gift to grow that feeling...it feels like Christmas/the Holidays to me once we have had our tea date. My home begs to be decorated for Christmas and it never feels like it has been honored until company comes in for a cup of tea and a goodie or two... I am so grateful that these ladies are in my life and thankful I am able to call them friends.

Happy Holidays to all may you have a friend you can call on for tea and snuggly times.

Away...reaching...faith...

These two lovely ladies have been gone almost a week. They went on adventures with their Grandparents in Indiana. It is so hard letting them go away. Especially, when you are left in the space they normally fill. They fill our lives with stories, questions, adventure, frustrations, growth, and most of all laughter. So when they are gone (which isn't often!!) it leaves our home with a completely different energy and it takes this Mama a few days to ease into that feeling. Ease being a nice way of putting sadness and tears. As mothers, we all dream of a break. You know of days of lounging and self indulgence...yet when those days are gifted to us it feels like something is missing and it takes a bit of fumbling around to stop trying to fill it all up and settle into the abnormal quiet in our home. I had visions of reading ( a lot) of wine and chocolate and romantic dinners with the Irishman...but I have not found those moments (more due to working during the week really than not seizing the moments) but it is the romantic notions of what to do with the time...and then here we are two days from their return and I sit just trying to breathe it in and soak up the peace...but that peace still doesn't feel complete without them here...who knew that my peace in the world was no longer a quiet place but one filled with shouts, questions, snarky comebacks, running, singing, and shuffling...

Now onto the other thing that has been occupying my very busy mind... I have been looking at some big life change. I am a huge chicken in the world of change. I do not take chances. I do not take large leaps of faith. I like it ordered. I am a worst case scenario planner. I cling to the security of what I already know. I do not gamble. Yet I am looking at a big leap. I have been told "Oh you will never do it..." Which, in the the past I think would have been very true!! But something in me has changed too...I am starting to believe I may just be able to take the leap. That I really am good enough to succeed. That I have the power to get what I want and need in the world to fill me up on all levels of my world. That I really can put us all in a good place for growth and discovery. I would be lying if I said this didn't make me scared though. I mean all the huge things that come with it all...you know big life change doesn't come neatly wrapped with a lovely bow and gift wrap!! It comes in faith and belief and listening to all the inner voices that say what you may not want to hear because sometimes those voices are shouting for you to let go of your comfort zone and try it!!

The Irishman and I are not flighty folks who put too much stock in signs and cosmos interference. But right now you would have to be blind, deaf, and dumb to think the world wasn't trying to pave this path for us right now. And quite frankly it FREAKS me out!!! Randomly and everywhere we turn...on labels, on TV, in overheard conversations in stores and parties...it is there... I really feel that if we turn our back on it all the universe will give up on us completely...throw up it's hands and say "I sent you the boat..."

So, I am trying to make sense of it all. I am trying to start taking the steps to follow the signs. And I am woken early in the morning thinking of the magnitude of it all. My thoughts are full with what ifs? and how do I's? And now that I have let in the possibility of it all how do I cope if it doesn't happen? How do I get through that feeling? I don't open up to hope easily so when I do it could be a hard fall if all the steps and daydreaming and making lists in my head end up being for nought. And with this possibility how do I not live my life at arm's length till it all sorts itself out? And what this comes back around to is me being so very bad at living with balance. Keeping all things even and level and peaceful inside myself have never been a personality strong point for me. All or nothing kind of girl I think, which as with everything has its pros and cons. I am a work in progress! So my head is full and my heart is hopeful, and I am a ball of emotions of all sorts. I will just keep listening to the voice and see where life takes me. I still have to work on the faith part of the equation though. The idea it will all be okay and work out just as it should is so hard for me but I will keep working on it. Think that may be why my "word" for the year was LET GO!!!! Sigh...

Peace...

After a couple of very snowy days skating my way into work, much too early in the morning, I am finally snuggled on my couch in my jammies with candles aglow, Loreena Mckennit's Holiday cd humming away, and the house finally all decorated. I am ensconced in a lovely peace and quiet. Enjoying the glow and flicker and scents of the candles, and taking a little time to focus on the positive and let those thoughts fill me up with gratitude for all that is and letting go of all that is not. And tomorrow I welcome my lovely friends Trena and Gloria for coffee and tea and baked yummies that I managed to get done this evening. I am pleased to be bringing all this good back into my home. May you all find time for a little peace of your own!!