Funkified

You ever been in a funk (not in a James Brown way) and find you can't dig yourself out completely? You swim your way to the surface, look around a bit, try and take in some fresh air, and then something grabs your ankles and yanks you back down to start the process all over again.
I keep thinking my time must be about over with it. It has been around for far too long now. I just can't get enough air. I can't breathe down to my core and ease off the mountain I feel sitting on my shoulders. My heart hurts. My head aches. My jaw throbs from all the tension. I have holes bitten into my tongue with all the words I am trying to be wise to not utter.
I have tears that weave their way into my day. And we are talking lovely, good days. Not sad, not difficult...but there they come. I feel like I do not have the words to explain. I do not and can not tell you why. If I could I can guaran-damn-tee you I would be fixing it. I would not choose to continue sinking. I would breathe sooooo very deep and soooo often...and I would be hugging this life of mine soooo very tight. But right now...that is impossible. I can't even lift my arms. My smile is broken. My life is being lived by halves... I really feel I want to run and run far... I want to hide away and not speak...(my words are all wrong any way)...I do not want to hurt or disappoint another person and I am beyond exhausted by being hurt and disappointed... the universe keeps telling me to take control of my happiness like it is that easy and simple...heck I am not even sure what that is any more...
I do know that my daily work environment is pulling me under and standing on my shoulders to keep me there. I have fought and fought to not let it and ignore and take it on...to no avail. And if you have never been in an emotionally loaded environment for extended periods of time you can have to idea what it does to your body, your mind, your heart, your sleep, your energy, it takes it all and wears you down. I send out my prayers. I send out my energy for healing and hope and change. I go to my yoga mat hoping to dump enough emo crap to be able to function. I smudge, and I journal (to the point of complete writer's cramp), I exercise to exorcise the stress, I get massages to let go the junk I carry in my muscles, I am trying all I can...I have gotten on the water to sit and be overwhelmed at nature's complete and pure beauty.
I feel hurt and rejected and used. None of this will simply pass...but know I am trying. I am trying to see the me that has to be there under all the ick and hurt and stress and fret and dread. I know she is there. I believe she used to be cool and funny and kind. But I haven't seen her in a while. Let me know if you find her and please send her home!

Letting go...

Do you ever have trouble letting go of something not good for you? Something that weighs on your spirit and makes you feel heavy? Something that is beyond your control and your logical brain knows is not your fault and tells you you do not need this...but for some reason your heart clings to the pain and slights and the upsets of all the old situations... A name, a face, a glance, a memory...all showing you that you were not enough...you for some reason did not fit... Logic says that that is a good thing for you. That fate saved you from being somewhere that was really bad for you...but that darn heart is still pretty bruised up and hurt and aching... and the fixer that you have always been just wants it all wrapped up in a pretty bow and made a.ok. Logic needs to win here...nothing healthy and uplifting and supportive can come from this. Hopefully logic finds a special super power, a kryptonite for the heart because the heart is leading the pack...

Funk...

I am managing to say and do all the wrong things right now. I can't find the right words so find myself saying the wrong ones anyway. I am drained and tired and feel so very empty. I am sad (with no real reason) and I am worried that I am this way starting a trip with two lovely women who do not need the downness of me... I have read, written, yoga'd, and balled and still can't find the source of the ick to fix it. Nor have I seemed to release any of the bad juju I am carrying around. Instead I walk around wounding and hurting when it seems to be me that is really the problem...and everyone says you can talk to me...but really I am finding I wouldn't know what to say and if I did say something I can guarantee it would be the complete wrong thing to have uttered...so bear with me and know I am working on "it" whatever "it" is and hope to be back soon...

Sad...

I am just now home after the healing service for my friend...and I feel sad...not sure there are words for it or explanation as to why but I feel it all the way down to my toes. Just a melancholy...a want to have a good old cry and not come up for air...and as someone who has spent so much time surrounded by so many people I feel very alone...and so very not understood. Not validated and accepted and honored at a level that I strive to honor so many others...not at the level where you just love someone just because...I think I am just tired...more than just a sleepy tired but just very tired of trying to wrap my head around so many big feelings and ideas and plans and questions...I am officially exhausted!!! Thinking and being on and trying to be so much to so many is truly tiring work and I need a break...I think I need pampering and I think very, very selfishly after all I have seen and been through, I need to be taken care of and babyed... and in the scheme of the world as a whole I have been through very little just right now it feel so much bigger...sigh...

Things that come...

My Aunt Ethel, Uncle John and their daughter Joyce (a couple of weeks ago)

There are good things that come from something so very sad...like seeing cousins you haven't seen in eons and their children... Memories rehashed and laughter heard...so out of sadness can come laughter and renewed connections. Why it takes something this big to find each other again I will never understand but maybe now that those connections have been remade we can move forward and see each other more often and in happy times not just sad...

Also as a side note, I found a link to a very sad story about a beautiful family who have suffered a horrible plane accident. They have four young children and need help financially with care and medical expenses. So if you are able there is a donation link above on my site and if not then take time to light a candle and send some healing their way...because no matter how hard life feels we have it pretty darn good!!

Sigh...

As my very wise seven year old put it, "August has been a very sad month." I am not sure I could have put it any better...mom called and my Aunt died last night. She was my Uncle John's wife and one of the kindest, most loving women I have ever met. She loved everyone. She would reach down and see the absolute best in them even if the rest of world could not she always would. And her way to care was to feed you. You would never leave her house hungry. We would all fight over her homemade biscuits!!!!!! And to think this gentle loving spirit is gone is so very hard. And as if that isn't big enough my equally lovely Uncle John has just recently begun cancer treatments. I am so very worried about him. They were what I call "pillar" people. You know the kinds that hold up a family at its roots and bring you together. And now that he has lost his perfect half I fear what may happen! Being a grown up is brutal sometimes! So we will be packing up and heading to Monroe,MI tomorrow for the viewing and more pain and to say goodbye to such a very lovely woman who will be missed on so many levels by so many people!!!!!! So once again I ask of you to send some good thoughts and wishes to my Uncle and his family as they all find their way with a big gap in their middle!!