Swimming

I am treading water. I am trying hard to swim. To stay afloat, amidst the negativity and ire that surrounds me. I am trying not to be sucked in but again and again I get tugged by a current that threatens to pull me under. A current that draws me into the swirling eddies and attempts to pull me under too. I do not have quiet or peace or calm that I seek in my day to day life. But at the moment I am surrounded by so many people with unrest in their worlds. They rage and they attack never looking outside themselves to realize all they damage in their storms. So there are a few of us that are being hauled in and beaten about because of their irritation with their world. And I am waiting to see if I am to be thrown against the rocks or if I will pass into the eye of the storm left to try to heal and band aid up my wounds. I also am left to wonder how to prevent myself from being sucked into their wake in the future. You see I have this very stubborn opinionated way about me that makes me completely unable to hold my tongue for too long. I eventually spew and give everyone my thoughts after nearly biting a hole in my tongue!!! So how to not be me? Or is that even the problem?? Sigh...more swimming yet to do!

Letting go...

Do you ever have trouble letting go of something not good for you? Something that weighs on your spirit and makes you feel heavy? Something that is beyond your control and your logical brain knows is not your fault and tells you you do not need this...but for some reason your heart clings to the pain and slights and the upsets of all the old situations... A name, a face, a glance, a memory...all showing you that you were not enough...you for some reason did not fit... Logic says that that is a good thing for you. That fate saved you from being somewhere that was really bad for you...but that darn heart is still pretty bruised up and hurt and aching... and the fixer that you have always been just wants it all wrapped up in a pretty bow and made a.ok. Logic needs to win here...nothing healthy and uplifting and supportive can come from this. Hopefully logic finds a special super power, a kryptonite for the heart because the heart is leading the pack...

Funk...

I am managing to say and do all the wrong things right now. I can't find the right words so find myself saying the wrong ones anyway. I am drained and tired and feel so very empty. I am sad (with no real reason) and I am worried that I am this way starting a trip with two lovely women who do not need the downness of me... I have read, written, yoga'd, and balled and still can't find the source of the ick to fix it. Nor have I seemed to release any of the bad juju I am carrying around. Instead I walk around wounding and hurting when it seems to be me that is really the problem...and everyone says you can talk to me...but really I am finding I wouldn't know what to say and if I did say something I can guarantee it would be the complete wrong thing to have uttered...so bear with me and know I am working on "it" whatever "it" is and hope to be back soon...