Where did December go???

Where did December go??? Why oh why did my Christmas Spirit fail me so?? I wasn't a Scrooge but Bah Humbug fit me much more better than Ho Ho Ho. I did gift, I did make some things, I did decorate, I socialized, I santa'd, I caroled, I tried so very hard to breathe...but this year it just didn't come. I felt like I was moving through December in some kind of bubble...I could see it all I could appreciate it all I just couldn't feel it all...

I don't quite know what happened. I do know that those two by the igloo and me and that Irishman in the bottom photo are getting on a plane on Friday and winging our way to Ireland. Once again I should be excited and looking forward to a trip many people only dream about, but I am tired so very, very tired. I am simply numb. I am hoping when all the pressure of the holiday and getting everyone ready for the trip is over that I will relax and have a truly wonderful trip...it is Ireland and they are Irish people so all the potential for laughing and letting go and moving on are really there. Just will I be??

And not helping any of this emotional stuff is my back. I am not even comfortably couched. I have meds that work but cannot work with the meds...so am hoping I can get myself back onto an even footing that the pain can be managed so as not to eclipse so much good. But tonight it is a gianormous eclipse over the good...I really just want to cry...and now the Irishman has the weather on and it looks like weather might mess up our trip just a bit more...I am not sure my normally strong self has much coping left...think I could come up with a big ole two year old sized temper tantrum but not much resignation and peace with any impending situations...sigh...I will keep shovelling!!

Hope you all are having a truly restful and very happy holiday season! Hope to give a bit of an update once we get across the pond...

Insecurities

So, the planning for our 20th high school reunion has begun. In this process, I have been contacted and re-linked to people I haven't seen in at least 15years. And with these connections have brought back many the insecurity. I know how can something so mundane and so distant do this? I have been asking myself this for a few weeks now. Why is something and someones so removed from me ,as I am , be having such a big influence in my now? How did all those icky feelings of never being good enough, never being pretty enough, never being small enough, never quit fitting in come back so very fast? I have worked so very hard in my now to find perspective on all those years of school and evidentally I have made very little progress at all! I still wonder why I wasn't good enough or why I just couldn't have fit in better. Why was I always the "ugly" girl? Why was I always made fun of? Looking back I didn't really look much different from those that were "popular"... And you know, I like me a whole lot more as I am now. I think I am a much better person to know and wouldn't ever want to go back and do it all over. What I would do over is how I feel. I would replace all those feelings of being inadequate (in one area or another) with a view of how good life will be and how much I will grow and change and be better for it all. A little Richard Bach letter to myself that it will be worth it and help me realize what matters later in the world. And even with this knowledge, I sit here still comparing, still wanting to impress, still worried about not being enough...and yet I do know that I am....enough... And I know I am not the only one going through feeling like this...even the lovely Kelly Rae (http://www.kellyraeroberts.blogspot.com) has been posting similar feelings. So it must just be a woman thing...so how do we grow up and leave it all behind? Even though our logical minds say it doesn't matter sometimes the heart doesn't get the message!!

Sad...

I am just now home after the healing service for my friend...and I feel sad...not sure there are words for it or explanation as to why but I feel it all the way down to my toes. Just a melancholy...a want to have a good old cry and not come up for air...and as someone who has spent so much time surrounded by so many people I feel very alone...and so very not understood. Not validated and accepted and honored at a level that I strive to honor so many others...not at the level where you just love someone just because...I think I am just tired...more than just a sleepy tired but just very tired of trying to wrap my head around so many big feelings and ideas and plans and questions...I am officially exhausted!!! Thinking and being on and trying to be so much to so many is truly tiring work and I need a break...I think I need pampering and I think very, very selfishly after all I have seen and been through, I need to be taken care of and babyed... and in the scheme of the world as a whole I have been through very little just right now it feel so much bigger...sigh...