Crazy Cakes

My crazy ladies take over the back yard...I love these two so much for who they are becoming. It is not a dull life!!

Habitat

So does anyone else's house have multiple habitats inside?? And did you know that in it's house habitat hot pink rubber frogs really like popcorn kernels and stones? And that spider feeds on spider that feeds on acorn that feeds on tiger's eye stone? They do "for real"....

And for those of you that followed it, John's blog is back under a slightly new address see link below!! Yeah John!! So post comments and tell him to stay!!

Finally...

Well, Bronwyn finally got her pumpkin pie. She has asked me and asked me for ages now. So John cranked out two crusts for me and I made the filling. Look at that face!! As is true of most things in life, I should have done it sooner! But she says it was worth the wait! She even got to take a small piece in her lunch box today! And Ella said, "I don't like pumpkin pie." But funnily enough, she shoveled it in in minutes it was all gone! She even had a piece tonight for dessert so somehow I think she does like it!!

Insecurities

So, the planning for our 20th high school reunion has begun. In this process, I have been contacted and re-linked to people I haven't seen in at least 15years. And with these connections have brought back many the insecurity. I know how can something so mundane and so distant do this? I have been asking myself this for a few weeks now. Why is something and someones so removed from me ,as I am , be having such a big influence in my now? How did all those icky feelings of never being good enough, never being pretty enough, never being small enough, never quit fitting in come back so very fast? I have worked so very hard in my now to find perspective on all those years of school and evidentally I have made very little progress at all! I still wonder why I wasn't good enough or why I just couldn't have fit in better. Why was I always the "ugly" girl? Why was I always made fun of? Looking back I didn't really look much different from those that were "popular"... And you know, I like me a whole lot more as I am now. I think I am a much better person to know and wouldn't ever want to go back and do it all over. What I would do over is how I feel. I would replace all those feelings of being inadequate (in one area or another) with a view of how good life will be and how much I will grow and change and be better for it all. A little Richard Bach letter to myself that it will be worth it and help me realize what matters later in the world. And even with this knowledge, I sit here still comparing, still wanting to impress, still worried about not being enough...and yet I do know that I am....enough... And I know I am not the only one going through feeling like this...even the lovely Kelly Rae (http://www.kellyraeroberts.blogspot.com) has been posting similar feelings. So it must just be a woman thing...so how do we grow up and leave it all behind? Even though our logical minds say it doesn't matter sometimes the heart doesn't get the message!!

I DID IT!!

In honor of the autumnal equinox, The Yoga Place hosted an evening of 108 sun salutations. So Gloria and I headed down to see if us newbees could even hope to make it through 108 salutations!!! And we did!!!! All 108!! No cheating just some sweat and some aches and wobbly legs, and a little wooziness! That is a lot of detoxing for those who do not know!!!

And much to my disappointment, John decided to shut down his blog. He is rash in that department and very all or nothing. So it isn't just a bad connection or link he is officially out of the blogging world. I am very sad that he will not be showing us his photo creations and his unique view of the world.

Happy Fall!!

Fall is officially here! I am so excited! I love, love, love this time of year. I love the smells and the feeling as the temperature cools. I love the foods and tastes that are only fall, cider, caramel apples, pumpkin pie. I love the time to cuddle up or the time to go crunching through the leaves. Fall energizes me! Above, scenes from around the house, and last one is my spoiled little lunch that himself made for me this morning, including cinnamon apples and pears!!! He even put them on my favorite plate and set out my favorite mug...did I mention I am well and truly spoilt??? Enjoy your first day of fall! Have some hot cider and caramel for me!!

Sad...

I am just now home after the healing service for my friend...and I feel sad...not sure there are words for it or explanation as to why but I feel it all the way down to my toes. Just a melancholy...a want to have a good old cry and not come up for air...and as someone who has spent so much time surrounded by so many people I feel very alone...and so very not understood. Not validated and accepted and honored at a level that I strive to honor so many others...not at the level where you just love someone just because...I think I am just tired...more than just a sleepy tired but just very tired of trying to wrap my head around so many big feelings and ideas and plans and questions...I am officially exhausted!!! Thinking and being on and trying to be so much to so many is truly tiring work and I need a break...I think I need pampering and I think very, very selfishly after all I have seen and been through, I need to be taken care of and babyed... and in the scheme of the world as a whole I have been through very little just right now it feel so much bigger...sigh...

Bay City Boat Trip

Unbeknownst to me, Bay City offers free boat rides out to the Bay during the summer. (Thanks Margaret for the heads up!!) You just have to go over and pick up tickets. It is a nice narrated tour, and other than being chilly as we went mid-August. It was a lovely morning. My parents were up for the fair and so fortunately they got to wander out with us. It helps that I really like Bay City any way and would love to have one of the great condos right there on the water. I daydream about sitting on the decks or inside in front of all the incredible windows with my cup of coffee and a book, relaxing and watching the water. Once again, how I am so very far away from water astounds me. I literally could spend every hour of every day sitting shore side just watching and be fulfilled. Someday...

This is one of my attempts to catch up with the summer that was! Particularly August which truly passed in one giant blur!!!!

On a Roll...

So a few hours before I headed off to work, I decided I needed to get into the kitchen and once I got there I got on a complete roll! There was banana milkshakes, baked butternut squash, baked eggplant, bbq eggplant, tofu fried with taco seasoning, banana wheat germ muffins (yeah I had a lot of aging bananas to use up! as well as eggplant!!), Peanut butter/Choc. Chip/Oatmeal cookies, and Stuffed shells from The Yoga Journal. It all went well and I felt like I accomplished something! I would highly recommend the stuffed shells!

Projects....

Projects in progress and finally finished! I bought this lamp, I have a lamp addiction, this summer at a yard sale for one whole dollar!! So I finally got some spray paint and gave it a facelift and now it is happily perched in my blue room!! I love the effect!! However it disrupts the Irishman's gaming area!

Project number two is the scraping of my free desk I got a yard sale this summer. I have no doubt it will not be in anyway perfect by the time I am done but think shabby chic and then you might see my vision. And really for free...could it really be all that bad? Unfortunately, it threatened rain all day so I couldn't finish the rest today. The girls needed a little desk space for their room so hopefully I can get this up to par. I am also hoping to not spend any more cashola on the redo so will have to see what paint we have leftover in the basement that we can use for this. I will post up pics when I am able to finish the job!

Did another two yoga classes this week. I really am loving it! The folks are just so very nice there!!

Back to work tomorrow... gotta keep breathing!!

Glow...

Well my ladies started into their activities for the year. I must say we have chosen well this year. Ella is back in gymnastics and to watch her grow and change and learn is astounding. Seeing her channel her "Ellaness" into something that fits is really a great feeling for me. Watching as she came down the tumble track there was this big glowing smile from her eyes all the way out. She really loves it there. And when we are taking a session off she asks everyday when she can go back.

And the biggest new activity is Bronwyn's horseback riding. She decided not to sign up for dance this year and said she would like to try some new things, like pottery, yoga, or horseback riding. Well the kids yoga class I was hoping for isn't offered at a time where I can get her there so I made some calls and added and subtracted a few times (horseback riding is not cheap!!) and committed to a month of lessons. Yesterday was the first one. Bronwyn has had this love of horses for a couple of years now. She watches shows on them, reads about them, and pretends to be one...(I think I remember a lot of girls in elementary school going through this phase) So we arrived about 30 min. early yesterday and Bronwyn was gasping and oohing as soon as we turned down the driveway. She was just so at peace and contented to wander around the barns and look at the other horses. Mind you this peace gave her openings to ask me some very big and difficult questions like what is prayer, how is your friend doing (the friend whose son committed suicide), how is the dad doing...that must be hard...she just has this deeper, older insight to the world that I am not sure I possess now at 37!!! So I try to bring things down to tell her in a way that leaves openings for her to one day decide what feels right to her and what she believes. And then the lesson occured. She was so very much glowing. She was so in the moment and completely happy. It really is awesome to know you are able to give your children something that compliments them and touches something so deep inside. Look at the smiles as she and Sonny make their rounds. She is so energized by the idea that she can spend time on this farm and just hang out there and be around it all. She is ready to work and says she has to keep pinching herself because it still feels like a dream. She even said she would rather be in those barns than watching TV. All this from one hour spent at the farm!!

And then on the way home my sage young lady says to me, "Mommy, you have this beautiful smile when you look at Ella and I. What makes you smile like that? I love that smile. " And tears formed in my eyes. As I struggled to find words for all the emotions and thoughts that bring that smile the one I feel to my core. I told her it is because I feel at that moment so full of love I feel I might burst. And that I am amazed by her and her sister at how they are growing into such interesting people. That I am proud to know them and get to be with them. And to this she says "We amaze you?" And I choke up a little bit and can only say "Oh yes!"

How she is so wise and so in tune I can't even begin to understand. She knows and sees more than I do. She just gets it and leaves me sitting with my jaw dropped and my mind all muddled up. So a little glow for all us ladies this week!!

And on this day 7 yrs ago I remember coming home from the hardest day of work ever, I am an air traffic controller for those who may not have known, and losing it and reaching out for my yummy little baby and pulling her close in gratefulness and to refill on what was still good in the world. So many reflections and thoughts of healing on this sad date.

Thank You Aunt Ethel!!

Yeah 2 posts in the one day...but wanted to share my first attempt at Aunt Ethel's blackberry cobbler. I did cheat and not roll strips to lattice across the top but the rest is what Mom said she told her when they last talked. So a little divine intervention and voila!! Gone but never forgotten!! And oh so yummy with some vanilla ice cream on top!!!

Eureka!!

Ok, so after reading The Yoga Journal for quite sometime and now even suscribing, and after doing a few introduction classes, and reading descriptions of yoga's benefits...and all the while nodding and going yes that is me, and yes that sounds like something I need, and yes I need that...I rolled up my dusty mat and went!!!!!!!! I decided that 10 dollars spent on something so wonderful just for me wasn't really such a splurge and that if my health finds a better life balance because of it then it was cheaper than a co-pay at the doctor and it was cheaper than eating out or buying a couple of coffees, so if I can't come up with this money on occasion then I need to reevaluate my budget because this is a need not a want!!!! I know because one hour of restorative yoga at The Yoga Place downtown was like geting an hour massage and finally put my word of the year "BREATHE" back into focus. And although this class was lighter on the yoga part and heavier on breathing (that word again!), I really feel I am onto something here. That this class coupled with a beginners yoga class and I may be able to find that person I think is still under the layers of ick...the one I still sometimes see in the mirror. And maybe just maybe this may be a healthier jump off point for me in all areas of my world. Because once you fix your insides the outsides also follow suit! But I do know for a fact that all change comes from me. And I am hoping that this euphoria isn't just a one hit deal and that I can not be my usual self and find the follow through and keep going! This is something that is important to every aspect of my world and I need to nurture it and quit pushing it aside and pretending it doesn't matter...it really, really does!! Thanks Gloria for helping me jump in! Sometimes I do need that push!!

Wandering the market...

The Irishman and I stole away downtown today after dropping the ladies at school. I have this week off of work and so far have managed to do nothing remotely productive. But today was market day so we had an amble. I love the farmers market, well really I love farmers. I love the fact that I can wander down and for a few dollars come home with a really healthy meal for my family. And the colors and shapes are really wonderful to look at. I came home with some more corn (want to get some in the freezer!!), a funky white/purple eggplant, some purple sweet peppers, some green onions, plums, peaches, and my incredible bouquet of sunflowers. Sunflowers amaze me all the textures and colors! Plus the lady at our market sells such a lovely, large bouquet for only 3.50!! So I feel pampered and spoiled without breaking the bank!! Then after we had to stop into the local coffee shop for some daydreaming, what-iffing, and beverages...now himself is asleep on the couch and the little Kindergartener is happily playing with her asundry little toys in the bathroom sink...and I contemplate my next move for the afternoon...hmm, cooking, reading or maybe some much neglected scrapbooking???

Beginning...

How very not ready I was for my baby to start school today...real school. Her dad was doing a big happy dance, I think next year he may even host a back to school party... but for me it makes me a little melancholy. Life is just zooming by and all the days I want to cling to just a little longer, zip right on by. How I already miss the baby times of snuggles and milky breath, and firsts... and now my littlest lady doesn't even look back as she opens this next chapter. Good for her a little sad for mama. My oldest goes in with a mix of nerves and excitement and gives me the "I think I am ok but I am not real sure" look with a slight quiver in her bottom lip she bids me goodbye all the while really wishing I would stay. This letting go is so hard for me and I do truly realize this is just baby steps for what is to come in their world. And that someday I will be glad they have moved on and made their way... but for now it makes me a little contemplative. Bronwyn has already requested a cafe date with me after school I think that may be just what mama needs!! Sigh...

Things that come...

My Aunt Ethel, Uncle John and their daughter Joyce (a couple of weeks ago)

There are good things that come from something so very sad...like seeing cousins you haven't seen in eons and their children... Memories rehashed and laughter heard...so out of sadness can come laughter and renewed connections. Why it takes something this big to find each other again I will never understand but maybe now that those connections have been remade we can move forward and see each other more often and in happy times not just sad...

Also as a side note, I found a link to a very sad story about a beautiful family who have suffered a horrible plane accident. They have four young children and need help financially with care and medical expenses. So if you are able there is a donation link above on my site and if not then take time to light a candle and send some healing their way...because no matter how hard life feels we have it pretty darn good!!